I seem to be picking up strength each day. My appetite is much better and I am no longer nauseated. Sometimes I think I am dizzy, but I've always been that...so?
Next week Sydney and I are going to head down some road with our motor home and our dogs....not sure what direction we will go in and I'm not sure it matters.
I've been in a period of blah....not really depressed, but tired of being a cancer patient.....so I am just ignorning stuff and some people too. I hope I haven't offended anyone by my seculsion, but I have just kinda wanted to be left alone. I think a lot of pondering has been going on with me.
This Monday night I am coming out of the closet....a book club dinner....I am really looking forward to that.
Yesterday I ventured out with my bald head...first time in public....I don't know, it didn't feel too bad, but I am a sight to behold. Reminds me of a time when I worked for the state of Oregon as a secretary. I couldn't afford to replace my nylons everytime they got a run...so I wore them, with the runs, and I came to realize that the other girls felt superior to me on those days. At least that's what I surmized, and so that became my gift to them. I kinda felt that way yesterday. If my bald head causes another person to feel better about the way they look, or feel it is alright to stare, then that might be my gift. Talk about being egotistical? More growth needed! The sun is out and it sure is welcome.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
A gentle time
Last evening, at the end of a warm sunny day, the last of the sun was flitting through our apple trees and as I gazed out kitchen window I noticed Sydney just sitting there in the lawn chair with the dogs, rocking and chewing his wad of tobacco. It occured to me that he has been a bowl of mellow jello lately and I decided to PONDER that fact.
Certainly in the last three months my priorities have been rearranged. I have come to realize that I have done about all I can to "fix" Sydney and also to realise that it doesn't matter now.
Too bad I didn't figure that out 34 years ago. It might have been a smoother marriage. Too bad one can't pass the lessons on to young wives.
At any rate, all those years of: sit up straight, comb your hair, don't curse, make your bed right, don't eat so much, you need to go to church, don't chew with your mouth open, quit chewing tobacco, stop drinking, etc.,etc, just used up some of the good times we could have.
It is quite a thing to find out that the world will go on without out you and perhaps with some improvement? Anyway sure has been peaceful around here. Sydney gets up about 11:30, reads the paper till 1 or 2, then starts worrying about dinner and that activity lasts until the boys come home for dinner about 5pm. Then there is the news, jeporady, wheel of fortune and if I don't take the controls, cop shows....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Certainly in the last three months my priorities have been rearranged. I have come to realize that I have done about all I can to "fix" Sydney and also to realise that it doesn't matter now.
Too bad I didn't figure that out 34 years ago. It might have been a smoother marriage. Too bad one can't pass the lessons on to young wives.
At any rate, all those years of: sit up straight, comb your hair, don't curse, make your bed right, don't eat so much, you need to go to church, don't chew with your mouth open, quit chewing tobacco, stop drinking, etc.,etc, just used up some of the good times we could have.
It is quite a thing to find out that the world will go on without out you and perhaps with some improvement? Anyway sure has been peaceful around here. Sydney gets up about 11:30, reads the paper till 1 or 2, then starts worrying about dinner and that activity lasts until the boys come home for dinner about 5pm. Then there is the news, jeporady, wheel of fortune and if I don't take the controls, cop shows....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
progress
After two weeks in the recliner fighting nausea I went back to the radiologist to see if things were getting worse.
They are not.
I had a cat scan and the tumor on the brain continues to be the size of a quarter but that seems be expected. Dr. said it takes a long time for those things to grow and a long time for them to sluff off. Because of my age and all the stuff that has been going on for the last three months he feels I am going to be slow in recovery. At any rate, the tumor is not growing and he feels that mother nature will take care of things so that I do not have to have the cyberknife treatment as now. He thinks the nausea is due to swelling around the tumor in the brain.....sooooooooooooo..........back on steroids! Sounds good to me. Because I have been too nauseated to do much my strength and equilibrium have dimiished, so as soon as I am up to it I hope to begin walking at least to the end of the block. I just finished some oatmeal and it sure was good! Sunshine helps too! I am hopeful again.
They are not.
I had a cat scan and the tumor on the brain continues to be the size of a quarter but that seems be expected. Dr. said it takes a long time for those things to grow and a long time for them to sluff off. Because of my age and all the stuff that has been going on for the last three months he feels I am going to be slow in recovery. At any rate, the tumor is not growing and he feels that mother nature will take care of things so that I do not have to have the cyberknife treatment as now. He thinks the nausea is due to swelling around the tumor in the brain.....sooooooooooooo..........back on steroids! Sounds good to me. Because I have been too nauseated to do much my strength and equilibrium have dimiished, so as soon as I am up to it I hope to begin walking at least to the end of the block. I just finished some oatmeal and it sure was good! Sunshine helps too! I am hopeful again.
Friday, June 4, 2010
YUK!
Hi, well for the past week I have just been increasingly nauseated and tired. It has been a month since we stopped treatment so I decided to try and fix a few parts.
First of all I went to my family doctor with the idea of getting a cortisone shot for my knee. Last winter I had a plan to get an artificial knee, but that is not something I want to give any of my time to, so I got a cortisone shot...I don't think it is going to work, but there is another option. My knee still hurts...so...about ten years ago I had sinvisc injected in my knee....three shots a couple of weeks apart and they cost over $500 ten years ago, but it worked for ten years! So may do it again. While I was in my family doctor's office we talked about the idea that I may have depression symptoms. I agreed and so I am going to start taking Zoloft. Haven't yet but I have it at home to start when i am ready to.
That afternoon I went to the eye doctor...Seems like I just can't clean my glasses enough lately. Well of course I have cataracts.....Now I'm not going to have those removed,but I do have a new prescription for some better lens....
Today I got up and took my daily meds and promptly vomited them into the sink...so I called my doctor who is out of town and made an appointment to see one of the other oncologist.
I have really been feeling shitty all week, chills,exhaustion,nausea,can't force food down....
Today he did blood work,urinalysis,poked around the abdomen, (I've been afraid it might be the pancreas or liver, but he didn't think so. I have not lost any weight, temp. 97.6, oxygenation at 93%, BP 112/76...I mean I am a healthy specimen, except for the nausea......So he ordered zofran,which is a med that can melt in you mouth and stop the nausea and he increased decadron from 0.5mg a day to 8.00mg a day for the weekend. He thinks it is the PCI leftover, which means prophylactic cranial irradiation....brain radiation......
At any rate, that is why no wise and wonderful words have emanated from this blog...I've been in bed or in the recliner, not giving a shit.....BUT I WILL AGAIN.
First of all I went to my family doctor with the idea of getting a cortisone shot for my knee. Last winter I had a plan to get an artificial knee, but that is not something I want to give any of my time to, so I got a cortisone shot...I don't think it is going to work, but there is another option. My knee still hurts...so...about ten years ago I had sinvisc injected in my knee....three shots a couple of weeks apart and they cost over $500 ten years ago, but it worked for ten years! So may do it again. While I was in my family doctor's office we talked about the idea that I may have depression symptoms. I agreed and so I am going to start taking Zoloft. Haven't yet but I have it at home to start when i am ready to.
That afternoon I went to the eye doctor...Seems like I just can't clean my glasses enough lately. Well of course I have cataracts.....Now I'm not going to have those removed,but I do have a new prescription for some better lens....
Today I got up and took my daily meds and promptly vomited them into the sink...so I called my doctor who is out of town and made an appointment to see one of the other oncologist.
I have really been feeling shitty all week, chills,exhaustion,nausea,can't force food down....
Today he did blood work,urinalysis,poked around the abdomen, (I've been afraid it might be the pancreas or liver, but he didn't think so. I have not lost any weight, temp. 97.6, oxygenation at 93%, BP 112/76...I mean I am a healthy specimen, except for the nausea......So he ordered zofran,which is a med that can melt in you mouth and stop the nausea and he increased decadron from 0.5mg a day to 8.00mg a day for the weekend. He thinks it is the PCI leftover, which means prophylactic cranial irradiation....brain radiation......
At any rate, that is why no wise and wonderful words have emanated from this blog...I've been in bed or in the recliner, not giving a shit.....BUT I WILL AGAIN.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
A grave situation
Those of us who are "older" can't ignore the ritual of decorating the graves for the memorial day procession. In our minds people pass by and if nothing has been done we assume the decedents either: moved away, died, or just don't care. Now the merchants have capitalized on this thinking and you can buy plastic floral wreaths for $20. I have about 30 places I could put one, but I don't. In fact I bought a bunch of plastic carnations, cut off two for each stop and buried my guilt for only $3.
We had Sienna on the day that we went to the graveyards and that turned out to be complicated. I may have lost my touch with bereaved children, although she is not bereaved, but when I showed her a sea shell that "used" to be wear some creature lived, she wanted to know about the whales.
She asked what a graveyard was and I told her it was a garden when we put old bodies of people who had died and that when they got to "heaven" they would get a brand new body.
"But grandma, I've already been to heaven for a new body."
"Oh."
Then,because someone has taught her that her private places are "her body" she wanted to know if she would get the other parts, too?
At the baby's grave, the questions were "why did she die?" Where did she get a germ? I had a germ one time, etc. etc.
Now to complicate the visits...when we left the catholic cemetery to drive to Highland Sienna decided Highland was heaven and the people under the tombstones had new bodies....Then Sydney got in the meddle by telling her to stop making so much noise because the "people were sleeping" and "don't walk there, your walking on someone." When I said, "O, for God's sake don't tell her that. They are just old rotting shells in the holes, " he gave me hell for having no respect for the dead.
Brother! So goes it at the Holoboff home. I continue to be too tired to do much except sit in the recliner most of the day, but I'm forcing myself to eat, no appetite,and do some arm reaches. I am "toying" with the idea of walking to the end of the block.
We had Sienna on the day that we went to the graveyards and that turned out to be complicated. I may have lost my touch with bereaved children, although she is not bereaved, but when I showed her a sea shell that "used" to be wear some creature lived, she wanted to know about the whales.
She asked what a graveyard was and I told her it was a garden when we put old bodies of people who had died and that when they got to "heaven" they would get a brand new body.
"But grandma, I've already been to heaven for a new body."
"Oh."
Then,because someone has taught her that her private places are "her body" she wanted to know if she would get the other parts, too?
At the baby's grave, the questions were "why did she die?" Where did she get a germ? I had a germ one time, etc. etc.
Now to complicate the visits...when we left the catholic cemetery to drive to Highland Sienna decided Highland was heaven and the people under the tombstones had new bodies....Then Sydney got in the meddle by telling her to stop making so much noise because the "people were sleeping" and "don't walk there, your walking on someone." When I said, "O, for God's sake don't tell her that. They are just old rotting shells in the holes, " he gave me hell for having no respect for the dead.
Brother! So goes it at the Holoboff home. I continue to be too tired to do much except sit in the recliner most of the day, but I'm forcing myself to eat, no appetite,and do some arm reaches. I am "toying" with the idea of walking to the end of the block.
Friday, May 28, 2010
gifts in the mail
Yesterday the postman brought me the nicest gift. My rich friend in Oregon made me the cutest pair of pajamas. What a wonderful gift, home made, from heart! I think that was the neatest thing to do for someone who is ill. Also a couple of jars of marmalade. She and I went to nursing school together when we didn't know any better. I've always called them rich friends because they have a jaguar car.
The other day I got an email from a woman who had been to Camp Francis in 1996. She told me how she still remembers the stories I told about Francis. It was such fun to hear from someone who believes that the work I did made a difference in her life.
We had family here from Utah this past weekend. My nephews are kind of long haired hippies? Anyway, I'm sure visiting with an old auntie, who is now bald, was a gift from their hearts.
Now, theologically, I have had an epiphany....I was thinking, the other day, that there is, in all of God's creation, only one Carol. In all of the eons gone before, there has never been another Carol. "Before you were formed, I knew you." So I think maybe I am significant. When I picture the piles of brown broken people in Haiti, now I think no two were alike. I mean this is science! So if there is only one of me then God surely would not just dispose of me when I leave this physical state. Well, anyway, do with this insight what you will. I found it rather comforting.
The other day I got an email from a woman who had been to Camp Francis in 1996. She told me how she still remembers the stories I told about Francis. It was such fun to hear from someone who believes that the work I did made a difference in her life.
We had family here from Utah this past weekend. My nephews are kind of long haired hippies? Anyway, I'm sure visiting with an old auntie, who is now bald, was a gift from their hearts.
Now, theologically, I have had an epiphany....I was thinking, the other day, that there is, in all of God's creation, only one Carol. In all of the eons gone before, there has never been another Carol. "Before you were formed, I knew you." So I think maybe I am significant. When I picture the piles of brown broken people in Haiti, now I think no two were alike. I mean this is science! So if there is only one of me then God surely would not just dispose of me when I leave this physical state. Well, anyway, do with this insight what you will. I found it rather comforting.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
emotions
Well,the unexpected happened to me when I went to bed last night. I cried. I seldom do. When I saw my oncologist on Monday he said the lung tumor had shrunk but the brain tumors hadn't yet. I said so will they? He explained that the dead cells from the tumors are sloughed off as the macrophages eat at them like pac-man.
Anyway he didn't want to see me till August except to monitor my blood level for the coumadiin I am taking. No other treatment at this time, except I'm tapering off the steroids. I am still pretty tired.
But the interesting thing is that I feel like I have been dropped off the hay wagon. When I was going to the clinic daily for treatment it felt like I was fighting the cancer. Now it feels like no one is watching things. And I'm not sure how to proceed with normalcy (except for the hair which I don't think is growing back at all and I might just start going bald everywhere because I hate all the head covers I have tried) and the daily activities of living.
I did decide to have my teeth cleaned, my eyes checked, my knee cortizoned and I told them I would be back to work in the fall at the school.
Now then, Sydney has already asked me to make a meat loaf and I don't hear any plans for a big vacation trip.
My bucket list my be watching the radishes I planted grow and doing the state fair with friends and granddaughter....This weekend we have a new kite to try out.
So life goes on at the Holoboffs. Lung cancer is pretty hard to beat.....but I am hoping to see Pascha graduate in two years. Thank all of you for prayers, wishes, suggestions,concern, love and caring thoughts.
Anyway he didn't want to see me till August except to monitor my blood level for the coumadiin I am taking. No other treatment at this time, except I'm tapering off the steroids. I am still pretty tired.
But the interesting thing is that I feel like I have been dropped off the hay wagon. When I was going to the clinic daily for treatment it felt like I was fighting the cancer. Now it feels like no one is watching things. And I'm not sure how to proceed with normalcy (except for the hair which I don't think is growing back at all and I might just start going bald everywhere because I hate all the head covers I have tried) and the daily activities of living.
I did decide to have my teeth cleaned, my eyes checked, my knee cortizoned and I told them I would be back to work in the fall at the school.
Now then, Sydney has already asked me to make a meat loaf and I don't hear any plans for a big vacation trip.
My bucket list my be watching the radishes I planted grow and doing the state fair with friends and granddaughter....This weekend we have a new kite to try out.
So life goes on at the Holoboffs. Lung cancer is pretty hard to beat.....but I am hoping to see Pascha graduate in two years. Thank all of you for prayers, wishes, suggestions,concern, love and caring thoughts.
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