kitten

Husband has finally agreed to a kitten in the household. He's not too happy about that, but is catering to my desire this time, which makes him a little more lovable. Of course, the kitten must be a female short haired calico. Well, we will see. But first we are off to Libby to see our wounded grandson. The boy looks like Harry Potter. Glasses and quite intelligent and reserved. Somehow his dad talked him into trying out for Jr. high football. About the second week he broke his arm in the practice sessions. But much to my surprise he is still attending the in-town games and wearing the uniform on the bench. Even talking about next year! Granddaughter won 2 out of 3 volley ball games and is talking about Jr. high volley ball. Should be a fun visit and as you readers know, we are having a spectacular Indian summer. I guess I should say "first people" summer. I told my friend who lives near the first people buffalo jump that she should put up a sign on their gate that says "second people" private property!
Autumn is really showing off this year. Last year we had a heavy early frost that just turned the leaves stiff and brown. But this year the ending is taking center stage with brilliant colors and filtered sunlight through graceful trees. Apples are getting redder and redder and the squirrels are shaking the red treasures off my tree as they try to bite into them. Sun flowers reach for the sky as they grow taller than our eaves and squash is being forced from their hiding place in the vines as they grown and the vines begin to shrivel. Its too bad that we have to have a taste of this time of year because it is the end, but perhaps that what dying is like, a wondrous gratitude that we have been created and are a part of the beginning and the end of seasons, in each there is a beauty that one does not want to miss, just one more time around? Maybe.

a proving time of the yer

Today when I was walking into my place of employment, somewhat reluctantly because it was a glorious golden fall day, I noticed the leaves had turned to yellows and golds during our long spell of rain and cool weather. I have always loved autumn, even as a child I remember almost crying at the beauty of the tree colors on the boulevard of Emerson School. Part of the wonder of fall colors included new crayons and darker colored clothes. Still does. I have on a pair of black slacks and a black sweater today.....last week I was wearing lime green and other fruit flavored colors.
Fall has a responsibility to show what it has come to after a long growing season. In our yard there are apples, changing quickly from green to red, and way too many crab apples, red as cherries weighing the swing tree down. In the front flower beds we planted squash and we have had too many yellow squashes and not enough acorn or Hubbard, but there are a few. The tree leaves are turning colors and the flowers are either wilting or thriving. The petunias, nasturtiums, and snap dragons seem to be happy with the cooler weather.
Anyway, my point is that fall is a time of recollection and production for us humans as well. I used to play a game where I would ask others if life went from January to December, what month were they in now? Over my mature years I began saying I was either in late August or early Sept. Now of course I am looking at November, but early November. As I lay out my accomplishments and the fruition of work done over the years I am pretty satisfied with the harvest and colors of my own autumnal equinox. Grey is a nice color for mature hair and makes the face softer. I raise my face to the sun and feel it's warmth and comfort as I ease into December with what I hope will be grace.
This past week has been full of cards and gifts. A beautiful quilt-type blanket for me and my bed, a broach that I lusted after a few years ago and a wonderful DVD to help me see the significance of me despite the billions and billions of others things made by our creator.
Tomorrow we are taking the camper fishing near Townsend. Pascha and Sienna will join us for one or two nights. Gardner is waiting for phone calls and paychecks so he made potato salad and chicken sandwiches today. I am working tonight. Looking forward to camping. Thanks everyone for moral support.

snow in Sept.

Well, we got up to a half inch of snow in our yard this past week. I guess I shouldn't complain because I didn't think I would live to see another snow storm, but it is kind of depressing to think of winter. Today there is a autumn fog playing with the Sunshine that is promising a nice afternoon. I am considering a walk to
Giant Springs with the dogs but I may just consider it. There has been a pall of depression milling around me lately. Partly disappointed that we did not make the trip to Libby. It really wasn't about the snow. It was about Sydney lack of interest in anything but football and the weather. What a bore he is. I'm angry with him because he doesn't seem to believe my time may be limited, so it is ok to waste another day in front of the tv. He might be right. Maybe I'll live to see another summer and we will be able to do the things we planned on. But if he is wrong, then I missed a trip to Libby to watch my grandson play football.
Fall is truly here and in celebration of the season I put out my fall quilts, fake apples, pillows, etc. Next week when Sienna comes she and I will take out the Halloween things. Yesterday I found a pair of tap shoes at the goodwill. I put them in her toy box. I bet she will love them. Gardner made sweet potato soup and homemade bread on the day of snow. Now we are gathering apples for pies, sauce and maybe some apple wine.s
I haven't been to church in weeks. Maybe that is why I feel down? Well, it seems no one misses me over there. I wrote a while back about when I meet everyone in heaven it won't be a problem because I have forgiven all, but now I am wondering if they have all forgiven me. I think, some days, that I am the greatest impostor of all.
On the surface, my life seemed admirable....but in reality, it has mostly been about me. Better stories next time.

seasonings

Last spring when I learned my time on earth is limited (yours is too), I thought I would not see another snow fall and I felt bad about that. Today, a cool rainy Sept. day. is a gift for me. An extra. The apples in our tree are turning red and the flowers in the yard are spent and droopy. I hope to bring my geraniums in and keep them as long as possible. We have one huge hubbard squash still growing and a couple of acorns, lots of huge tomatoes, but very few have rippened. It is all so "wonder" full. It is a blessing to be aware of the beauty and the preciousness of the harvesting season. We are all getting ripe, or aged, if you prefer that word. Sometimes I think, "I don't want to die. I like being here, for all the seasons. Then I remember that we all will die. Doesn't seem like it does it? Seems like it is so far, far away in time that we do not have to think about it, or maybe even believe it, but ZOOM the years go by and it might not be cancer, or heart, or stroke. Maybe it wil be alzeheimers and you won't even know you are still alive. What a waste. So pick you apples while you may. Pick them while you still know what an apple is, while you still remember how to make an apple crisp, apple pie, apple sauce and still have memories of making those things. Don't waste too many minutes of your life, but snoozing in the recliner is not a waste. Actually nothing is unless you yourself define it as a waste.

The intermission

My husband, who fractures the English language, has been telling people I am in intermission. I hope that doesn't mean the show must go on?
This week I have emerged from my dreams with all kinds of desires to do things, certainly not much more energy, but every thing matters. So the first thing that mattered this week was to tear up the old carpets in the basement and wash and wax the existing tile. I have two and a half rooms done. It is really heavy work, but the reward is a good smelling basement. Of course, the bird cage had to be scalded and then the lizard shed his summer skin and he is all clean and green. I hope to finish the one and a half rooms tomorrow and then with a little windexing and furniture polish I will be done with the basement. My reward will be taking out the fall decorations.
I have been reading two books that I picked up at the library. One is Heaven, and each chapter has another idea from another person or religion as to what heaven will be. Of course I did find that interesting, but didn't find any theory that I wanted to adapt. The other book is "How we live, why we die, the secret lives of cells." Very interesting. Each cell is a closed society that must work together for survival. Of course when they don't, they mutate or seep their contents and disease or system failure occurs. I did find that interesting when it is applied to cancer.
The other thing that blew my acceptance of a all knowing God, is that in each cell is a billion parts. A lot bigger pile than the Haiti dead. If you extrapolate those numbers to outer space, I don't see how a God has time to pay attention to me.
However, lately when I have directed my thoughts to the Holy Spirit I have felt a connection and sometimes answers to questions and prayers. I guess I don't have to know how it works, if it works anyway.
Husband is taking an antidepressant and seems better already. I hid his sleeping pills and he isn't arguing about that. He can drive now, but says it hurts. He goes to see cardiologist and surgeon this week, so hoping we might be able to drive to Libby for the weekend soon.
I've decided I like living and so I am ignorning time limits and just doing what I like to do. Mundane things like laundry and grocery shopping are fun again. Hope you are enjoying being alive.

the tides of shortened times

When I was a child, before the divorce and before my Mother died, my favorite time of the day was bedtime. After Mother tucked me in and kissed me good night, the light was dimmed and I drifted off with music from the radio and music from adults who murmured about their daily activities in the other room. I felt safe. I was misled, the world was not to prove safe for me.
This past weekend seven of us ladies who belong to a book club went into the wood, actually we stayed at a lodge, for a retreat.
After lugging piles and piles of equipment, cots, sleeping bags and food, food, food, we settled into the lodge in front of a rather inadequate fire and dined on dips, and sips, and sweets and other forbidden foods. This was a meeting of the infirmed. One lady brought a walker, or wheeler, and crutches, another was on a clear liquid diet and of course, bald headed me. However, the ladies brought me a whoopie Goldberg type hat with dread locks! I promised them I would wear it to work at least one day. One of the ladies brought materials for etching some wine glasses that her husband found at a garage sale.
The rain that night was horrendous.....We had an nice new bathhouse on the other side of the growing mud puddle out our lodge door.
The group settled down with wine and board games, but not me. I had brought a brand new pair of flannel jammies that a friend in Oregon made for me. I put those on and fixed my sleeping bag on the cot that another friend provided for me. I climbed into that camping cocoon and listened to the music and the murmur of 6 ladies who cared about me and I felt safe. It was such a wonderful night. I wish everyone could be tucked in for a safe night at least once in their life.

When we got back to town there was an email for me that my adopted daughter and her biological mother would be arriving the next day. Such fun to see them and have our pictures taken. Her mother is 83 and looks pretty good. She always did, I was so jeaulous of her when I was young and gangly, she was blond, buxom and had high heels and fur coats. I even bought a fake fur coat to keep up with her and I wore it to church with a housecoat underneath and no nylons. Anyway we had a wonderful time catching up on all our children. (we had 10) and grands and great grands and now great, great grands.

My husband is going through a tough recovery from his heart surgery. He is not sure they really fixed him and doesn't trust too much of the world right now. Last night I thing he overdosed on sleeping pills and fell in the bathroom, so I have hidden his meds. He did agree to try an antidepressent last week so that is encouraging.
He has a way of fracturing the english language and I so wish I would have started writing those mistakes down 35 years ago. It would be another book! He has been telling people that I am in "intermmission"

Thanks to relatives who stepped in for me when I could not go to Oregon with Pascha and Sienna, they had a wonderful vacation. I have a pic of me in the dread locks hat and I will add it to this post sometime in the future.


Say a little prayer that I get hired for a project. I don't want to tell you what it is, but I sure want it and if I get it you'll be the first to know. Not only will it help me financially, it is a challenge that I have been missing.
Goodnight.