who would have thought

Thirty four years ago they stood on the edge of discovery! A shinny new life awaited the pair. She a slim 30 pounds, beautiful auburn hair. He tummy heavy, but youthfully attractive and full of himself.
2011, she, 150 pounds of wrinkled, bruised skin, mostly hairless from chemo side effects. He bought her a rolling walker with a seat she could stop and sit on. He bought her a raised toilet, giving her some dignity in the bathroom and a hand held shower attachment. There stands her prince charm charming over the laundry tub in the basement. He scrubs the diarrhea stains from the new pajamas that santa brought and washes another load to bring upstairs and start the cleaning cycle again. Ge cooks, trying to keep her from loosing weight. Nothing tastes good. He mades her bed and carefully places the decorator pillow on the bed.
In August he had a heart attack. With wires in his chest, he pads around the house like an old woman, wide steps, slow, carefully placed feet to prevent falls and the long difficult climb up the stairs. The wedding aisle winds through new groups of people. There are the oncologists, the cardiologist, the radiologist and the rehab. peers cheering on the couple.....who are not the couple starting down life's path 34 years ago, they more, better and beautiful. Who oulld have thought!!!!!!

a shitty situation

I lost most of this post and I don't feel up to repeating all, but for now, the good news is that the tummos in my lungs have shrunk, some up to 50%. So onward with the chemo that i causing alll the diarrehea. What's a little shit in the big picture. More later....

Five rednosed reindeer!

On Thursday I had another Chemo treatment that was easy. But then all hell broke loose. Wed. I went to Mongolian Grill with friends and I watched them eat plates full of fried worms. I had egg roll soup and tea.sure was good. On Christmas eve we went to friends house to play games (didn't) and she had pasties from Butte and I had tea..sure was good, By morning, Christmas morning, I could not get my head off the pillow. Then the fun began. Sydney called the doctor, Kathy called the ambulance and five vechiles arrived with sirens and flashing lights. Sienna, thought Santa arrived! No one would let her open her gifts. When they finally got me inn the ambul;ance I told them to let the child open her gifts and I rode away with lights and siren to the manger scene.
The story,medically speaking, I was in AFIB, which is an irregular heart beat pattern. So they took me to the cardiac unit, and they kept coming in to ask me what I wanted to do if my heart stopped. I kept telling them to start it again. I guess I look older than I thought. Anyway so much for my fairy tales about nothing to Chemo. I had anemia, low white blood count, diarrhea, etc. I had two blood transfusions, new heart meds, an echo cardiogram. So today, Monday the 27th. I was able to take a shower by myself, spend most of the day in a chair and here I am blogging. Expect to go home tomorrow, but I'm going to be less expecting of tomorrows. Sienna will be back this weekend and I hope we can play with her toys.
I hope your Christmas morning had less surprises! My grandchildren from Libby are here this week too, so it will be fun to be home. Tomorrow is granddaughter from Libby's Birthday and Thursday is husband's is Thurs. and I ain't going to no Nursling bome. A new year is coming. Can't be as bad as 2010. Hope yours will be the best yet. I hoping for less shit.













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on the fourth day of chemo

The following stories are supposed to be funny, so if you start feeling pity, hit tghe delete.
On the fourth day after my last chemo my claim that chemo was a piece of cake started to fall apart. It was literally the shittiest day of my treatment. I dreamt I was spreading these walmart plastic bags of gas all over the house. Smelled like a cow barn or maybe a pig sty.
Then I woke up and realized my bed was damp. When I tried to get out of hed I slipped the floor. Realized I was on the bed for the night unless I could wake Sydney up. So I crawled to the bathroom with the hope of maybe liftingt my self to the toilet. Nope, so I shit on the floor and peed on the rug, discarded my nightgown and crawled naked back to bed. Couldn't get up so began to yell for Sydney and he finally heard me. Came into the room, picked me up and tossed me into bed naked and left me to go back to bed. Felt good to me. We slept till morning. Sydney washed all the bedding, towels, and rugs and now he's talking about a nursing home!

third Chemo

Showed up at the chemo station with cherry red Christmas fingernails and toenails!
Also had bruises all over. Seems the problem was that my blood level was too low and blood pressure was too high. hope to get those problems fixed this week and then maybe set the rooster shots in my knee. They worked real good a few years ago.
I tipped over by my bed last night and Sydney was able to jack me up.

Chemo was Taxol and Paxal this time and then we will add Avasta (which is supposed to stop the spread; I get two more Thurs. then a day off and start over. I don't know how long that will last, but so far no side effects. No nausea etc.

I'm done with shopping and wrappkng so will probably just enjoy the season. It is cold and crisp today and looks like Christmas. We have received lots and lots of Christmas mail and packages. I hope people don't think this is my last Christmas because I enjoying the attention so much I might stay around for another one! Love all you and each morning when I wake up to another gift.....a day from God,.you are the ribbons on that gift., HaPPY hOLIDAYS

34 years of wedded bliss? No, but partnership, yes.

On Saturday, our 34th anniversary, we went to the City Bar and had their seasonal tom and jerry drink and a nice sandwich for lunch. Treated our friends. Not exchanging gifts this year.
Then in the evening, Pascha, Syd and I went to Jakers. I had fish and chips, Dad had drunken noodles and Pascha had some kind of noodles too. We were pleased the the service or the food, so no more Jakers for us.
Sydney bought me a great gift. On Weds. I will have a pedicure and a manicure and I am going to choose Christmas colors! What a luxury!
Syd collects the bearfoot bears and I found a set of bears working out at rehab! He has about 9 cardiac rehabs sessions left. He has done well.
I have such a time with my knee. If I am too far down, I'm stuck....so I've learned to use the handicap toilet in Walmart etc. Anyway, last week I went to rehab for me and they gave me some exercises to strengthen my knee. I don't like them and I'm not going to do them. I am going to see about a knee brace and maybe use a cane.
The latest plan is to bring a book to the basement and stay down here until all the laundry is done. One trip a day up the basement stairs is about all I can handle. I think I'll ask the doctor about iron shots? Sure hate feeling so weak.
I need to go into town in the next two days and finish up all my shopping for Christmas, just in case I don't feel up to it next week. Sienna comes this weekend and I think she'll go to see Santa, sled riding, shopping and maybe a movie. We will have her Christmas morning. Hope you and yours are almost ready. Carol

you will die

Last year when I first learned about my cancer, I felt powerful and it seemed like a romantic thing to be entering into..what a bunch of s--t that was to be thinking.
Find this winter that I don't want to die. Ever!
So, I used to run 5 miles. I lost weight. I ate the right foods. What did you do to stop the death that you did not believe in?
Of course, we go through our life ignoring that we will, must and have to die. Think about it. Can you think about it? I think most of us do not believe it will really happen.
Will chemo kill the cancer cells where death lives? I don't really think so, but let's try. I do not plan on going gently into that good night even though I must.

Treatment number two

Yesterday I had my second chemo treatment....nothing different that I can tell. So far no side effects. Just a couple of syringes full of ativan and benedril and then off to a nice warm nap for an hour or two and then home. I'm sure it will get worse as it goes, but I don't go back now for two weeks. Husband and I might take a train trip to Libby with Xmas packages etc. on our 34Th anniversary next weekend. Pascha's gift to us!
We had 8 inches of snow last night and it is a winter wonderland outside. I have to say I kind like it. It is so clean.
I'm feeling better emotionally these days. Yesterday when I was in the doctors office they were playing the most beautiful recorded piano music. All Christmas themed. So nice.
I am going to be evaluated for a walker. Maybe I won't need one, but I keep tipping over and then I can't get back up because of my weak knee. Fortunately my bones are strong and every time I've gone down I haven't broken a bone, but like my docs says, that would be a disaster for me at this time....so maybe a walker will be a good thing.
Sienna comes tonight and I am "thinking" of making some fudge for gifts. Later!

away in a manager

Hi, well I'm trying to bring some Christmas into our house...manager scenes and angles etc.
I'm rethinking this hereafter stuff. I don't like the idea of fading into the cosmos with no recollection of being here. For thousands of years, people smarter than I have bought the Nativity story and the heavenly home of God. Who am I to dispute any of that wise thinking? So I've decided that even if I am wrong I would rather spend my last years on earth looking forward to heaven and those gone on before me than nothing. If I am wrong, so be it. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy this winter season.
We have lots of snow and it is beautiful, very holidayish, and I have some Christmas Carols on the TV.
We really had a wonderful Thanksgiving. All of my prayers were answered and we were with people who care about us. The white meat on the turkey was moist and wonderful as were the pies etc.
I am so grateful that Kathy and I are still together in our old age.
My next writing project is to write about a line of reception waiting for me in heaven. I don't know when I will get it done, but I think most folks will enjoy it.
I go Thursday for my second chemo...no side effects yet! I just am so pooped out. For every 10 minutes I'm upright, I need to spend 10 minutes prone. O well.......

Chemo

Well, yesterday was the first of the chemo treatments. I think the plan is to skip next week as it is Thanksgiving and then have another treatment on the first Thursday in December.

Here is how the day went.....first some blood work in the lab....then on to talk with the doctor. We looked at the MRI on the computer and the brain looks like it is under control. The lung mass in the lymph area of my right lung is growing and that will be the recipient of the chemo. I do notice some side effects. When I lay down at night it takes 5-10 good breaths for me to get my air. I also have some pleurisy discomfort. Not bad though, none of it so far.

Yesterday I had a 2 and a 1/2 hour infusion of Taxol, which is a chemo they get from the bark of yew trees, I'm told not to expect too many side effects. Probably some light nausea, which I have pills for, hair loss (o well) and some tingling in my hands and feet.

Before the nurse begins the infusion of the chemo she gives me a big syringe of avian and a couple of medium sized benedryl filled syrings. So I slept like a baby through the two hour infusion, expect for the part where I had to get up to pee and kinda wet my pants and almost fell over.....had to be held all the way to bathroom. So next time no latte before therapy.

I may work tomorrow, part time, Everyone over there is going to the Griz/bobcat game in missoula. I can use the money. Doctor says I'll probably be pretty tired this weekend, but the heavy duty kids with medical problems will be off campus so it should be very light work. I have a training session next weds. and then off for the thanksgiving holiday. Sienna will be here tonight until Monday and then her family will bring her back to great falls for the next weekend. I'm hoping we can get a pic of Santa Claus while she is here.

I called about a short haired tuxedo cat this morning. We'll see. Take care, don't worry...things look pretty good for now.

a story of joy

First let me tell you that I tried to post a pic of me with my new hair. Ain't really worth looking at and I guess I'll lose it soon anyway.

The story - When Francis was diagnosis with liver failure in 1977 his doctor said "who knows, they may be able to do liver transplants someday". Those transplants became experimental and insurance companies would not pay for them. It was hard for Francis to have insurance with pre-existing rules etc., but he did finally get Blue Cross on his employers benefits.

Then he lost that insurance, but his doctor continued to care for him and to encourage us to hope for successul transplant operations.

He applied for an evaluation at Baylor in Texas in 1988 and had purchased his plane tickets to leave in December. I got a call from the finance office to remind me that in addition to his insurance coverage he would need to bring about $40,000 co-pay. We never saw $40,000 in our lives, so we just went home. Over the next year he continued to deteriorate and he died in the spring of 1989. The day that he died several humong refugees who had gotten into a bad crop of mushrooms receieved liver transplants.

BUT, in 1968 some friends of mine had a little girl. She was the proverbial little girl with a curl who was very good when she was good and very bad when she was bad.
She grew up and got into drugs and the underworld and during that time gave birth to a daughter who was infected with her mother's hepatitis. Last week the daughter was in Stanford University and with just days left to live, (she is only 16), she received a liver transplant. I just love that outcome. Hope you do too.

Happy days are here again!

What a week....Monday....MRI and CAT, Tuesday talked with Dr. Warr who handed me off to Dr. Martin who will be my new oncologist. Spit up a large, cherry size blood clot on Weds. Dr. Martin put me on a cough syrup with narc. to suppress coughing and dislodging another clot and also just for "in case" an antibiotic. He agreed we would start chemo next week after the bleeding settled down. He also explained that if there was a large clot dislodged I could bleed out. You know, John Wayne and other cowboys who tried to hide the fact they were coughing up blood.
Now the thing was the MRI of the brain did not show any growth or cancer and yet I began developing strange symptoms. What used to be woodpeckers in my head were now garbage can wars of clanging and banging that lasted about 2-3 minutes. On Friday I had five episodes of tingling and lost ability to make words for 2-3 minutes. Called Dr. Martin who changed my steroids from 2 to 8 twice a day and said call if things don't get better. So about 9:30 last night Sydney and I went to the ER. I came home about 2:30 AM. Dr. in ER looked up the pro-time lab work that was done on Thursday and discovered I was out of the range of therapy. He thought maybe the brain tumor which is rotting (necrotizing) from the inside may have developed a bleed and maybe the lung blood was because of the too high bleeding time. So I'm off the coumadin (rat poison) for the weekend and then start a different dose this next week. I have bruises all over my arms too, so I think that is what happened. I got some much wanted Oxygen in the hospital and today has been much, much better. I can't have oxygen at home until I desaturated to 87 because medicare won't pay. I have been at 89 so far. When I loose the ability to make words, I wonder if I can use sign language? I'm going to check it out next time. I spoke with the ER doctor about my fear that I will lose my speech permanently and/or have a seizure. He told me those things will happen.....So that is the medical story.

Have any of you heard about Steven Hawkings ? He is a brilliant physicist who developed the big bang and black hole theories (at least I believe he developed them.
Well, he says our brain is a computer and when the plug is pulled out the computer is dead. So if the computer is my brain, I am connected to the WWW, for now by codes and addresses, but like the universal consciousness, I am one with all. I kinda like that theory, but he doesn't call the power "God". I think I do. The other thing about that is that if the computer if found later and a "techie" brings up the old programs, that would be like reincarnation? Maybe.
The other thing, and I don't want you to think I have been sleeping in a fox hole this week, I have been thinking about GOD. What makes me think that my one opinion of a creator is the right one. How about all the educated, learned men and women over the centuries who have stuck to the God, Jesus, Holy Ghost theory. Am I wiser than them? And what if each of get the here after that we have created in our time here on earth? How will you design your heaven? Do you want one?
Lots of things think about.
I would request emails rather than phone calls because I am so short of breath right now. Thanks.

The slippery slope

Well, things have changed. The brain tumor is shrinking and doesn't look threatening, but the lung tumor did not die with the radiation, so it is growing and next week my radiologist and new oncologist will put their heads together and decide what to do. I am agreeable to chemotherapy..
The only reason I thought something was not right was because I was so out of breath and so weak...So yesterday I asked Sydney to stop by the clinic and I had my oxygen level tested. I was at 88, it is always best to be at least above 90. After I sat for awhile it came up to 93, so nothing yet to worry about going onto oxygen therapy.

Here are some of the chemo drugs that I may use and some of their side effects.

Taxol -It is made from needles and bark of certain kinds of yew trees. It interferes with the growth of rapidly dividing cells, like cancer cells and eventually causes those cells to die. Get an IV every 3-4 weeks depending on the lab results.

Chemotherapy has lots of possible side effects. Of course we all know the nausea and vomiting stories. A decrease of white blood cells would put me at risk for infections. My platelet count could drop with increased risk of bleeding. Anemia, weak and tired, mouth and throat sores, diarrhea, aches 2-5 days after therapy and COMPLETE HAIR LOSS.

The other chemo drug is called carboplatin (horrible names aren't they?)
It is used for treating many kinds of cancer and also interferes with rapidly diving cells. It is also given every 3-4 weeks and the side effects are the same.

Avastin targets a protein called vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF) This protein is found in many tumer cell types. Avastin works by interfering with these tumor cells and preventing spread to new sites.
During the infusion, which takes about 30 minutes, I could experience changes in my breathing, fever etc., my blood pressure will be monitored every 2-3 weeks and my medications may need to be adjusted

Sooooooooo, lots of possibilities., but not everything happens to every body and the one thing that shouted out to me was the possibility avastin may prevent the spread to new sites.

Last night I laid in bed and wondered if maybe I should just leave it all alone and enjoy what time I have left, but I decided, no, I'll try this chemo stuff. I'm pretty tuff and I'm not ready to exit yet.

I spoke with my radiologist today and he said he and my new oncologist will go over the game plan with me next Thursday and the three of us will decide the best thing to do at this poing. I may not be taking the above drugs, but it will be similar and I will let you all know.

Actually I have been waiting for this other foot to drop all fall, so to some extent I am glad there are some changes that need to be addressed. I hope to see another summer!

Well, the florist just called and are going to deliver me some flowers! I think it will be from my sister in law. Such fun. TA TA

leafing fall

Yesterday the wind blew down off the rocky mountain front with a vengeance in the attempt to blow away autumn and usher in winter...well it is November....but to no avail. It is almost 60 degrees and sunny and many, many leaves survived the blow. It is a spectacular autumn!
I always had a romance with autumn, my favorite time of the year. New color books, new color crayons, new clothes and new beginnings. And Halloween was the kick off for the holidays ahead, still is, I noticed Christmas ads on the TV the day after Halloween, which is all Saints Day, not all sales day. O well, it is still lots of fun for me.
As a kid Halloween really began the week of October 25th. The day before Halloween was trick day and it didn't involve any treats. It was just a day for us brats to run around and get into trouble. Most I ever really did was soap a couple of windows, but it was after dark and seemed very daring. I don't recall costumes, other than stuff we borrowed, like my dad's fishing hat and pole, or mother's apron. I think we did buy masks, but I don't remember any theme. Back then folks gave out homemade popcorn balls, candied apples, cookies, etc. And we knew which house had a pellet shot gun and who's doorbell not to ring.
My favorite Halloween memory as a child was the year my friend had a party. Her older brother met us at the top of the basement stairs with a rubber glove filled with jello and he escorted us down the stairs and then through spaghetti noodles in our bare feet! We bobbed for apples, we passed apples with "chin only" down competitive lines of buddies and we played musical chairs.
In my adult years I went one year as a clown to the children's hospital where I was working and wore a red bulb on my nose all day. Another time I had to have some correction on my front teeth. The day before Halloween the dentist ground down the front four teeth on top to sharp little fangs and I worked as a witch on the pediatric unit the next day. After Halloween my dentist put nice porcelain covers on the fangs.
This year I got called to work at the school, so I put together a witches outfit and a mask and no one knew it was me. Lots of fun and lots of good foot last Sunday.
Autumn seems reluctant to end....she hangs on longer and longer and yet we know, both her and I that the cold dark nights must follow, sooner or later.

Hair again, gone tomorrow?

My hair is growing back, but not evenly. Around the neck and ears there was some scraggly, longer hair. The operative word is "was". I went to a barber shop yesterday and had the neckline trimmed. Really looks pretty good now. In fact, I have worn my hair short for so long, (short for so long?) now there is an oxymoron, that friends accept it as a choice.
The ladies in town, beauticians, wanted $22- $25 to trim my inch of extra neckline, so I stopped in at the barber shop where my husband goes for $10 a cut. The mature barber was alone in his shop, sitting in his chair and reading the paper. He was a little perplexed at first, but after explaining why I looked the way I did, we eased into the proper places, me in his chair and him placing the bib around my neck. We talked weather, hunting, cancer, weather, hunting and more cancer. Business had been slow due to the hunter's first weekend and the warm weather. When he finished I looked a lot better and vowed to quit wearing hats and thanked him and gave him his $10 fee. Talking about wearing hats, I have a heck of a time not bumping into things because of the bills on the hats.
Talking about bumping into things. My equilibrium is lousy. I think I have radiation brain damage. If I start to tip over, I will just keep going unless there is something to hang onto. Then I have this knee that really should be replaced but I hate to spend that much of my allotted time healing a surgery for a new knee. I haven't replaced my glasses yet either, so I can't always see where I am going. Do I use a cane? NOOOOOOOOOOO, but I have a hiking stick with a compass on it and I am thinking of using that. It looks so much more cool, and I would always know what direction I was going, whatever difference it would make.
I am still struggling with the reality of death...if not now....later. I really don't want to die. Funny, I figured it would be as easy as going under surgical anesthetic, and wouldn't you think I would put more trust in a God than an anethesist? Nope, I can see the medical person and talk with him and he can tell me how long I'll be out etc., etc.
I sometimes think I am not going to die, at least not just yet. "What a bunch of baloney. Those docs just guess at time lines anyway and if I don't believe it, then how can it be...Of course, it has to be someday. Doesn't see right does it?
Many of you picked up on what you interpreted to be sadness, depression, etc. in my last blog, but the biggest emotion I've been dealing with is anger. I have come to the conclusion that no one really ever loved me. It was not that I was unlovable, but that those who should have did not know how. I also picked people for security and financial support rather than love, so I got that stuff.
At any rate, I am moving out of the funk...into some more pondering. I gotta say though that if even God is not unconditional in his love for me, then what hope is there anyway.
So I say to myself, God loves me no matter what! What does his love mean for me? Well,first of all I got a shot at this earth experience and there were six beautiful babies who loved me till they couldn't. I have been blessed with the joy of life, even in the midst of incredible adversities and losses. I love being here and I hope I didn't waste too much time lamenting what might have, could have or should have been. No kitty yet. Still looking. I want a tuxedo, black and white, short hair female kitten or a white calico female.
I belong to a book club and I recommend that kind of membership to everyone. I have read more books that I would never have looked at because we take turns choosing our reads. This last meeting, six women, six great women, got to laughing so hard at our feeble jokes etc., that I felt I had been to therapy when I left. Laughter...is such a release of negative stuff...try it some time.
27 Degrees last night. Hell has not frozen over yet, so beware and have a great Halloween.

saying goodbye to autumn

Boy, I've been in a funk all day. Actually the weather is so beautiful and fall is drifting away into November. Suddenly I don't want to die and I don't want fall to die. I'd like to just do a freeze frame for a few days, then I'll be back to reality, but for now I want to look forward to another fall, and another and another.

Sydney and I are going in two different directions. He is going to cardiac rehab three times a week and learning ways to take better care of himself for a brighter future. He is meeting new people and gaining some self confidence and losing some weight.

Me, I can't get a grasp on future. No point in shopping for new clothes, no point in joining any organizations. Partly because I don't have a lot of energy, partly because I just don't want to invest in anything, or anyone new right now. Don't even feel much like reading. I supposed I'm depressed, but I think it is temporary.
I have had a couple of auditory hallucinations. One like the old woodpecker, but the last one sounded like a symphony of garbage cans in the alley. And the other day I had that tingling sensation in my arm, shoulder and face and lost my ability to make words for just a couple of minutes. I go on the 8th of November for CAT and MRI, but the docs are not impressed with my side effects. I was trying to wean off of steroids again and after I lost my words I got up and took 2 of my steroids. No further occurrences.

I applied for a couple of jobs that I was overly qualified for and did not even get a "no thank you". I think it is age related. It feels like I'll just spend the rest of my days in my recliner. Sydney is happy with that lifestyle. He dutifully turns on the halloween lights each night and lights his candles and in the daytime he puts pieces in a jigsaw puzzle between chores.

I am hoping a change in the weather, colder and maybe even snowy will put me in the nesting mode and I will begin to think of apple pies etc., but I hate to bake and have Sydney eat stuff he shouldn't be eating. Me, I can eat anything I want to.

Now to those of you who care, please don't try to fix me with cards and phone calls etc., I will be fine in a day or two, but I felt like complaining today.

the worried well

I have been wheezing some, especially at night - thought I found some pinkish blood in the sputum in the morning, twice, so made an appointment with radiologist who didn't take me very seriously and didn't even listen to my lungs...He thinks as soon as we get a good freeze the allergens will go away and so will my wheezing and he agrees with me that the bloody nose I had the other day was source of the tiny bit of blood in my sputum. I go back in Nov.for the six month MRI and cat scan. So I am not the worried well tonight, just well.
Almost had a cat. The lady on the phone said "yes I do have a nice little calico kitten. I live in Ft. Benton if you could come to get her. Yes, she is short haired."
So friend and I went to Ft. Benton. The kitten had the most beautiful blue eyes, but beyond that she was either a mutant, or a mongrel. Black and brown hair, all mixed together. You know the type, you've seen them in alleys. Long hair, matted and brown and black mixture, with maybe one or two little white blurs. Well this kitty had a white blur on her nose, which helped and her feet are white, but one leg is a yellow tiger strip! I brought her back to town and friend 's son set the kitty up at their old farm and he loves her. Thank God. Haven't decided if I am going to try again very soon.
Yesterday when I got up at 7am, the sky was partially grey and a breeze was waving the trees that still have leaves. The atmosphere reminded me of an October day in 1952. I was visiting a ranch family at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. Their daughters were 10 and 12 and I was 14. We saddled up three horses and gathered some cooking utensils and food supplies and rode into the wilderness in search of a box canyon the girls had been to once before. We went deeper and deeper into the forest until there were no more trees. The landscape was rough rocks that had fallen from the horseshoe shaped canyon so we got off the horses and led them through the rocks, which was not a good idea either. The box canyon had a spectacular waterfall that dropped into a grassy meadow. That is where we fried our bacon and egg breakfast and bathed under the waterfall, never giving a thought to Grizzlies! My childhood was much like that.....the hell with risks. We then rode up to Swift Current dam and the basin was pretty empty so we rode around in that. I recall that as one of the most wonderful October days of my life, with the exception of Pascha's birth, which we will celebrate tomorrow, 33years.
Boy, this dying stuff. Last spring I was pretty much in an acceptance phase and had thought through a lot of spiritual concerns. Now I have come full circle. I don't want to die, and the last time I thought of extinction I almost started crying. Sometimes I think I should have died during the initial preparation period. I wonder if those men in Chili have any of those second thought of survival feelings now that they are out of the hole of hell.
I have not been hanging onto God very hard, but I sense that he has not let go of me.
Sydney has started the rehab portion of his therapy and he likes it. I am surprised. He likes the monitored exercise and the lectures about diet changes. He 6old me the other day that he is sleeping like a baby and gives credit to the surgery, but I think it is the Zoloff. Funny how the two of us transit through things. I guess we are still developing our relationship. We make our beds together, take turns with dishes and cooking and have become a team...after 34 years of acting like a couple of oxen yoked unevenly. But don't get too dewy eyed because we will probably be fighting again next week.
This week, all of my sons have a paying job!
So the economy is better in our family.
Doc. says the woodpecker in my ear is probably a hallucination caused by some of the swelling in the brain. Nice to be "normal". Hope you are too.

no kitten yet!

haven't found just the right kitty yet, but I will. We drove to Libby last weekend and had a great visit with son, daughter-in-law and grand kids. Grandson is sporting a cast on his broken arm and we went to watch his team win their football game. He thinks he will play again next year. One never knows about expectations and changes. I would not have bet on that boy ever joining any kind of team. He is even thinking about becoming an altar boy! Granddaughter, who is into jitterbug and high heels, has her fancy dance clothes hanging on the wall in her room. Pretty attractive.
Beuford, our Beagle, has been suffering from separation anxiety. According to daughter-in-law, who has the patience of Job, Beuford wined all afternoon when we left him and if they put him outside he bayed!
I had some separation anxiety this past weekend. Our houseboy, the oldest son, decided we could fly on our own and he went back to Oregon. He is working as a cook and also helping with some sound equipment in Astoria. He calls and tells us how green and lush everything over there is. I think he is glad to be home in Oregon. I am learning to run the vacuum again and husband has been picking up apples and plans to mow the lawn. The oldest could not have picked a better time to visit us, what with husband's heart surgery etc.
I went to the oncologist yesterday and he says all is quiet, no spread of lung cancer. I feel pretty good, except tired. I guess I might be tired the rest of my life? My upper back and across my chest aches like I have had a cough and made those muscles sore. Doctor says it is from the radiation and other patients have described the same sensation, so guess I'll stop complaining out that. Also he said the blurred vision is probably from the steriods, so I am in the process of weaning off the steriods again. I have a lot of tiny bleeding points and bruises, from the blood thinner I take. I told the doc. I would rather have leaks than clots so we are keeping me on the same dose of coumadin (rat poison you know).
I can't decide about memorial services. I keep going from religous to secular to nothing. I'm tired of the whole role of dying person, so I don't talk about it much anymore. I saw a job on the internet I might apply for. I don't know how an employer would feel about hiring a "short term" employee, but who knows which employee is the shortest term.
We are without a phone because I blew a gasket. We are going back to Bresnan, on the 18th. I made the wrong assumption that Bridgemax was a triple bundle. It is not. They are internet, the TV would be dish and the phone was vonage (they are in N. Carolina!) so it got out of hand with the phone company who has no technitions in Great falls and they expected to walk-talk me through the intricate wiring! After the third trip up the stairs I lost my ladyhood and told them to come and get their crap. Then the bank tried to charge me $27 for an accidental overdraft, never had one before, so I talked them into erasing that charge. EGAD! Bad Week.

kitten

Husband has finally agreed to a kitten in the household. He's not too happy about that, but is catering to my desire this time, which makes him a little more lovable. Of course, the kitten must be a female short haired calico. Well, we will see. But first we are off to Libby to see our wounded grandson. The boy looks like Harry Potter. Glasses and quite intelligent and reserved. Somehow his dad talked him into trying out for Jr. high football. About the second week he broke his arm in the practice sessions. But much to my surprise he is still attending the in-town games and wearing the uniform on the bench. Even talking about next year! Granddaughter won 2 out of 3 volley ball games and is talking about Jr. high volley ball. Should be a fun visit and as you readers know, we are having a spectacular Indian summer. I guess I should say "first people" summer. I told my friend who lives near the first people buffalo jump that she should put up a sign on their gate that says "second people" private property!
Autumn is really showing off this year. Last year we had a heavy early frost that just turned the leaves stiff and brown. But this year the ending is taking center stage with brilliant colors and filtered sunlight through graceful trees. Apples are getting redder and redder and the squirrels are shaking the red treasures off my tree as they try to bite into them. Sun flowers reach for the sky as they grow taller than our eaves and squash is being forced from their hiding place in the vines as they grown and the vines begin to shrivel. Its too bad that we have to have a taste of this time of year because it is the end, but perhaps that what dying is like, a wondrous gratitude that we have been created and are a part of the beginning and the end of seasons, in each there is a beauty that one does not want to miss, just one more time around? Maybe.

a proving time of the yer

Today when I was walking into my place of employment, somewhat reluctantly because it was a glorious golden fall day, I noticed the leaves had turned to yellows and golds during our long spell of rain and cool weather. I have always loved autumn, even as a child I remember almost crying at the beauty of the tree colors on the boulevard of Emerson School. Part of the wonder of fall colors included new crayons and darker colored clothes. Still does. I have on a pair of black slacks and a black sweater today.....last week I was wearing lime green and other fruit flavored colors.
Fall has a responsibility to show what it has come to after a long growing season. In our yard there are apples, changing quickly from green to red, and way too many crab apples, red as cherries weighing the swing tree down. In the front flower beds we planted squash and we have had too many yellow squashes and not enough acorn or Hubbard, but there are a few. The tree leaves are turning colors and the flowers are either wilting or thriving. The petunias, nasturtiums, and snap dragons seem to be happy with the cooler weather.
Anyway, my point is that fall is a time of recollection and production for us humans as well. I used to play a game where I would ask others if life went from January to December, what month were they in now? Over my mature years I began saying I was either in late August or early Sept. Now of course I am looking at November, but early November. As I lay out my accomplishments and the fruition of work done over the years I am pretty satisfied with the harvest and colors of my own autumnal equinox. Grey is a nice color for mature hair and makes the face softer. I raise my face to the sun and feel it's warmth and comfort as I ease into December with what I hope will be grace.
This past week has been full of cards and gifts. A beautiful quilt-type blanket for me and my bed, a broach that I lusted after a few years ago and a wonderful DVD to help me see the significance of me despite the billions and billions of others things made by our creator.
Tomorrow we are taking the camper fishing near Townsend. Pascha and Sienna will join us for one or two nights. Gardner is waiting for phone calls and paychecks so he made potato salad and chicken sandwiches today. I am working tonight. Looking forward to camping. Thanks everyone for moral support.