Epiphanys and realities

Today my friend died. He was 85. We only found out he had cancer a week ago, but I think he has known for a long time. I met him in 1958. His wife was in the hospital with a new set of twins and he was setting up the three room apartment in the basement of the house I lived in. His little boy was 2 1/2 and trying to help. Neither one of them spoke clear English. My friend was French and his little boy copied his accent.
I never thought anyone in my immediate circle would die before me, just goes to show me and you too that we don't have yesterday anymore and we don't have tomorrow yet. Only today.

Sydney and I traveled 2200 miles last week. Across the green, green grass of Montana, North and South Dakota, and Wyoming. Every place was so green and beautiful and the tall grass waved like the ocean across the prairie. We saw the president head and Crazy Horse, which has a face now. I won $120 in Deadwood, which meant I only lost $! on the trip. There was so much walking to do that I gained a lot of strength on the trip. I still feel the effects of the radiation which has been done now for 2 months, but its just a tired feeling, nothing else. I am in a period of remission and am still bald, think I will always be now. I'm thankful for this time...hope it continues a long, long time.

I still struggle with my belief in the next world. There are times I think life is like a light switch. Turn it off and the light goes away but turn it back on it comes back, but is it the same light? Does it matter? do we all belong to the same light?
I have a friend who believes that when we die we return to that source, call it a light, or a universal conscience. I wonder then why did God make only one of me if he was going to mix us all together in the same pot anyway? I have had a lot of trouble accepting the Catholic's belief that the bread and wine actually become the true blood and body of Christ. But the other night at Mass I was thinking about all of us belonging to the same source, GOD, and if we pass into that when we die,then what is so unbelievable about Jesus passing back into the physical realm during the Mass? Food for thought.....
If there is only one trip here I sure am happy that God put me in America, but then I feel sad that I might have taken a place a starving African could have used and I wonder if I have fulfilled what ever mission I was set upon to justify my good life.