Hair again, gone tomorrow?

My hair is growing back, but not evenly. Around the neck and ears there was some scraggly, longer hair. The operative word is "was". I went to a barber shop yesterday and had the neckline trimmed. Really looks pretty good now. In fact, I have worn my hair short for so long, (short for so long?) now there is an oxymoron, that friends accept it as a choice.
The ladies in town, beauticians, wanted $22- $25 to trim my inch of extra neckline, so I stopped in at the barber shop where my husband goes for $10 a cut. The mature barber was alone in his shop, sitting in his chair and reading the paper. He was a little perplexed at first, but after explaining why I looked the way I did, we eased into the proper places, me in his chair and him placing the bib around my neck. We talked weather, hunting, cancer, weather, hunting and more cancer. Business had been slow due to the hunter's first weekend and the warm weather. When he finished I looked a lot better and vowed to quit wearing hats and thanked him and gave him his $10 fee. Talking about wearing hats, I have a heck of a time not bumping into things because of the bills on the hats.
Talking about bumping into things. My equilibrium is lousy. I think I have radiation brain damage. If I start to tip over, I will just keep going unless there is something to hang onto. Then I have this knee that really should be replaced but I hate to spend that much of my allotted time healing a surgery for a new knee. I haven't replaced my glasses yet either, so I can't always see where I am going. Do I use a cane? NOOOOOOOOOOO, but I have a hiking stick with a compass on it and I am thinking of using that. It looks so much more cool, and I would always know what direction I was going, whatever difference it would make.
I am still struggling with the reality of death...if not now....later. I really don't want to die. Funny, I figured it would be as easy as going under surgical anesthetic, and wouldn't you think I would put more trust in a God than an anethesist? Nope, I can see the medical person and talk with him and he can tell me how long I'll be out etc., etc.
I sometimes think I am not going to die, at least not just yet. "What a bunch of baloney. Those docs just guess at time lines anyway and if I don't believe it, then how can it be...Of course, it has to be someday. Doesn't see right does it?
Many of you picked up on what you interpreted to be sadness, depression, etc. in my last blog, but the biggest emotion I've been dealing with is anger. I have come to the conclusion that no one really ever loved me. It was not that I was unlovable, but that those who should have did not know how. I also picked people for security and financial support rather than love, so I got that stuff.
At any rate, I am moving out of the funk...into some more pondering. I gotta say though that if even God is not unconditional in his love for me, then what hope is there anyway.
So I say to myself, God loves me no matter what! What does his love mean for me? Well,first of all I got a shot at this earth experience and there were six beautiful babies who loved me till they couldn't. I have been blessed with the joy of life, even in the midst of incredible adversities and losses. I love being here and I hope I didn't waste too much time lamenting what might have, could have or should have been. No kitty yet. Still looking. I want a tuxedo, black and white, short hair female kitten or a white calico female.
I belong to a book club and I recommend that kind of membership to everyone. I have read more books that I would never have looked at because we take turns choosing our reads. This last meeting, six women, six great women, got to laughing so hard at our feeble jokes etc., that I felt I had been to therapy when I left. Laughter...is such a release of negative stuff...try it some time.
27 Degrees last night. Hell has not frozen over yet, so beware and have a great Halloween.