De Nile

Well, I been thinking of how I would have orchestrated this whole story. The last time I had cancer I was home alone when the doctor called and she said I'd like you to come in to talk with me. I told her I just wanted the news then. Sydney was not home. When someone says to you. You have cancer, what you hear is "your going to die."
I savored my time alone that day and wondered how or if I would tell anyone. Of course, I did.
I have made several trips to the hospital without Sydney because I hate exposing any weakness or neediness, but also because then I have to become the care taker of the worried well. One time I went to the ER for a pain in my gut. I called him and told him I was there and then the night went on and I called him the next morning. I said "what the hell you doing?" "Eating breakfast" "aren't you worried about me?" "No, I know where you are." I had my gall bladder removed that afternoon.

Now, this trip.
Well I had to ask him to take me to the ER this time, but I tried to get him to drop me off and he stayed too long, but he had gone home when I learned the seriousness of the situation. They wanted me to call him before they talked to me and I said, no, I'll handle that.
I didn't handle it well enough and by the time the sun went down people on the west coast had the news and the town crier was out about to the banks and walmart spreading the news. How can one be in any kind of denial when the phone is ringing off the hook etc.
I had a husband, number three, who got liver cancer. He called up everyone and told them he had the big C. Then a couple of days later he called to say it was a mistake and then a couple of months later he went into cave in the mountains and died privately.
It just doesn't seem to real at times because I feel good, look good, lots of energy and my mind set is stable and what the hell. I don't think I want to do this.

On the other hand, the messages, love, prayers, support, kindness, concern, laughter and connections from all of my people which are priceless.

Sydney is coping as he copes, being nice, being bossy, being nosey, being angry, being confused and hoping.

Pascha's first wish is that I can see him graduate...three years....I think I can.