Just fine, thank you.

What the heck do I say to people who ask me how I am? OK, so far, just fine, I'm OK, No problems, Having a good Day. Well all those things do fit the occasion. But I'm not sure I'm fine anymore. I have a rash on my forehead, which should be the smallest problem I have, but it itches and draws my attention there, whereas nothing else hurts anywhere. So maybe I should say,"I itch."
Talked with the oncologist yesterday. The tumor in the lung is cancer. No benign stuff for me this time. It is in the area where primary cancers develop, so it is not a breast cancer return. It is not in the bronchial tree, so that is good. I will start radiation on that tumor today. It will be similar to the brain radiation in that there is no sensation of receiving anything. Just lay there and the machine passes over me for a couple of minutes and I to into the other room for the head radiation. No side effects from the head yet, maybe a little more tired than usual. Napping some every day now. The chest radiation will effect my throat some, sore throat, maybe mouth sores, etc. We will see. I will be going to radiation for 5 days a week until mid-May. Then hope to recover some energy and do some traveling in our motor home. I want to see the Ocean for sure..
So, spiritually I am looking forward to the services of Holy Week, even though I question almost everything I have believed over the years. Certainly the Last Supper is a directive for us to remember that we are all in this together and we need to serve one another. Good Friday- the death day, the black day, even Jesus is said to have asked for a pass from the assignment he was given, but like the rest of us he had to give his body to find his soul. Now when he was walking around and the women passed by him, they didn't even know it was him. Why did he come back in a different form? Will I? Do we all? Have I traveled with the same group of individuals from the beginning of time? We like to think we have the answers to all this stuff. Complete wipe out existance is not a good thought. I have been trying to be alert for messages, channeling, etc., but haven't we all? What I do think about dying is that it is a lot like anesthetic.....count to three and hope for the best!
On a lighter note - the radiologist said I could paint my bald head with magic markers so when Emily gets here from Libby and we are dying eggs for the back yard hunt I think I will have her draw some flowers and write Happy Easter on my head!
I find myself embracing all things that might be the last....EASTER....and then putting the decorations away for the last time, etc. Yesterday we had a birthday party for my friend who is 77 and I thought, this is the last birthday we will celebrate. Now that is presumptious of all of us. She may be the one who goes first, I may be here next year, and I could be crying because she isn't. So my friends do not assume that you know what tomorrow will bring, but prepare your hearts for the promise of EASTER! Love Carol
ps: There seems to be some problem with this website. If it crashes...I'll deal with it somehow...hope not.