gifts in the mail

Yesterday the postman brought me the nicest gift. My rich friend in Oregon made me the cutest pair of pajamas. What a wonderful gift, home made, from heart! I think that was the neatest thing to do for someone who is ill. Also a couple of jars of marmalade. She and I went to nursing school together when we didn't know any better. I've always called them rich friends because they have a jaguar car.
The other day I got an email from a woman who had been to Camp Francis in 1996. She told me how she still remembers the stories I told about Francis. It was such fun to hear from someone who believes that the work I did made a difference in her life.
We had family here from Utah this past weekend. My nephews are kind of long haired hippies? Anyway, I'm sure visiting with an old auntie, who is now bald, was a gift from their hearts.
Now, theologically, I have had an epiphany....I was thinking, the other day, that there is, in all of God's creation, only one Carol. In all of the eons gone before, there has never been another Carol. "Before you were formed, I knew you." So I think maybe I am significant. When I picture the piles of brown broken people in Haiti, now I think no two were alike. I mean this is science! So if there is only one of me then God surely would not just dispose of me when I leave this physical state. Well, anyway, do with this insight what you will. I found it rather comforting.

emotions

Well,the unexpected happened to me when I went to bed last night. I cried. I seldom do. When I saw my oncologist on Monday he said the lung tumor had shrunk but the brain tumors hadn't yet. I said so will they? He explained that the dead cells from the tumors are sloughed off as the macrophages eat at them like pac-man.
Anyway he didn't want to see me till August except to monitor my blood level for the coumadiin I am taking. No other treatment at this time, except I'm tapering off the steroids. I am still pretty tired.
But the interesting thing is that I feel like I have been dropped off the hay wagon. When I was going to the clinic daily for treatment it felt like I was fighting the cancer. Now it feels like no one is watching things. And I'm not sure how to proceed with normalcy (except for the hair which I don't think is growing back at all and I might just start going bald everywhere because I hate all the head covers I have tried) and the daily activities of living.
I did decide to have my teeth cleaned, my eyes checked, my knee cortizoned and I told them I would be back to work in the fall at the school.
Now then, Sydney has already asked me to make a meat loaf and I don't hear any plans for a big vacation trip.
My bucket list my be watching the radishes I planted grow and doing the state fair with friends and granddaughter....This weekend we have a new kite to try out.
So life goes on at the Holoboffs. Lung cancer is pretty hard to beat.....but I am hoping to see Pascha graduate in two years. Thank all of you for prayers, wishes, suggestions,concern, love and caring thoughts.

good news

Hi, I'm too busy to write much, but the tumors are shrinking and I don't see the doctors until late August. I'll write with more details and feelings about that later. Our company from Utah toasted my "red beer" drink today.

Gifts

It is so special when one receives a gift from the heart, especially when the person sending the gift has no investment in the situation except that of love for another person, unconditional love.
Yesterday I received a little leather pouch with fringes on the bottom and a string attached so I could wear it around my neck. The person sending the gift is a shaman of sorts and I have worked with her in the last 8 years in Libby, but we were never close.
Inside the pouch were: #1 - a hat or lapel pin, a figure of wonder woman, that understand was one of this woman's most treasured items (saw her through a diabetic pregnancy!)...the note read: "to fight for you when you are too weak."
#2 - A silver thunder bird with a turquoise stone...the note read: "to give you the ability to soar past pain."
#3 - A desert rose...the note read "roll with the heat of chemo punches."
#4 - A pink ribbon breast cancer pin....the note read, "so you never give up the fight."
#5 - An amethyst..the note read "to bring you peace."
#6 - A ruby (belonged to my friend's 'Mama Moon' and was carried through many battles...the note read..to put blood back into your heart and your ink pen."

Last was a stone fish...that I was directed to name....I chose to call the fish "Sammy" and see him as a guide back to my spawning place.

Wasn't this the nicest gift ever?
She sent me a note and the last sentence read: Never stop writing, your pen is your heart beat.

follow up tests

Well, yesterday I had an MRI of the brain and a CT of the chest. I will get results on Monday.
Boy I have really been a bitch lately. I guess I found Kubler Ross's anger stage. Sydney and I have been at it tooth and nail this week. Pretty ugly. I guess I don't understand what he is feeling. I do know that if (or when) I die before him, his whole world will change for the worse in many ways.
Today my boss from MSDB called and we got to talking. Her husband went through brain cancer three years ago and she was telling me how hard it was to feel unappreciated and left out of the sympathy cards etc. That helped me see Sydney's life from another angle. But he complains about his responsiblities all the time and all I see is that he is cooking, dishes, paying bills, all the things that I did while I worked, raised kids,went to school etc., etc., I think he is just a whiner and then he calls his family and they call here and tell me to be nice to Sydney and I think "did I bring this dying business on myself, just to get out of this 35 year marriage?"
Anyway you can see the dynamics that are going on here at our house....Hope your entry to summer is smoother.
We are all planting flowers and a few vegetables this week and looking forward to a visit from my niece and her family this weekend and then maybe to the hotsprings for the memorial day weekend.
Sienna was here this weekend. I said to her, "lets cut off half of your hair and glue it on my head." She got a little scared and said, "no!" I said, "O, I was just kidding. I wouldn't do that." Then she said, "O, grandma, your hair will grow back." She is so cute and just takes it all in her stride. \
I don't think it is growing at all.

a dream

The sky is brilliantly blue,I am hanging onto a free floating steering wheel. It is white and big enough to wrap my legs around.....I am very high in the sky. There is no way to get off the steering wheel except to let go and fall to ground....a couple of times I thought about that, assuring myself that I would not feel the impact and it would be quick....but I could not let go. Of course, in that senario I would eventually have to, but not until I had pissed on the world about me?

Hell no. I won't go.

Boy when I first was worrying about dying it was the first of March...all the trees were leafless and the grass was brown and mostly the sky was grey....but now.....color every where and new life pushing through the ground and the sky is blue before 6 am. I'm changing my mind God. I think I like it here. Always did.
I want to assure my readers that I did not go to the cemetery and the mortuary yesterday because I thought I had spinal metastasis.
That was just a coincidence. I already had made the appointments to do some pre-arrangements...I did "lose" my wedding rings and diamond earrings while I was in the hospital...so when the insurance payment came I decided to prepay some "necessary items."
Now I have a "plop" (as Sydney calls it) right next to Francis in Mt. Olivet cemetery. Sydney wanted an elk or a horse on the stone...I choose cat tails. He'll have to wait for his own party. When we went to the mortuary, he began choosing songs! One of them was "will you miss me when I'm gone"???? yuk.....
Here is a joke that the guy at the grave place told us. He is 83....
There was a drunk who was walking home and he passed through the grave yard where there was an open grave dug for services the next day. The drunk fell in and was unable to get out. Soon another drunk was walking home through the grave yard and he heard the first guy yelling......He went to the hole and the guy asked him to help him because he was freezing down there....the second drunk asked him why he kicked all the dirt off.
I was looking at a holy card somebody gave me...It is a picture of Jesus...dressed in pink and blue and white shimmery gown...nice long curly hair....and I'm thinking..
I don't want Jesus to look like that.....he was a fisherman...dressed in sack cloth and sandals and probably had dread locks.....He looks gay in the picture I got. What the hell!
So, this morning I was up before 6am. The steroids are kicking in. I went to the flower farm yesterday and bought squash, several kinds, beans, geraniums etc. and hope to do some planting this weekend. I am only good for about 30 minutes of activity and then I need to sit down and regroup, but there is some energy coming back.

fears

Cancer is such a scary word and such a scary place to live. I try not to live there. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997 I just heard "you are going to die." Well I was, but not just then...maybe later....maybe this time....maybe not?
The other day when I was making an appointment for my MRI and CT to see what is going on inside of me the clerk said on the phone, brain and spinal cord....then she added metastasis. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I thought to myself then chose to ignore it, but it kept coming back...."do they think it is in my spinal column, do they think it will go to the spinal column and does that mean I could be paralyzed later? Or did the clerk just mean they were checking all over for any metastasis? So I decided to give voice to this latest fear because I find that sayng things out loud diminishes their power......
Anyway, I have a problem with living in the cancer zone. I know people who had breast cancer when I did and are still going to support groups and running in races. That is OK for them.....for me I would rather go to a book club. I have refused to look at any of the cancer coping magazines, the Internet, etc. because I don't want that to be the focus point of the rest of my life...However, it is pretty hard to ignore at times...I just would rather be identified some other way then the old lady who is fighting cancer.

Now here is a question. My oldest son wants to have a fund raiser for me because we of course are facing big medical bills and every time I go to a doctor the co-pay is $40 and we are living on social security and fixed income. He thinks he should bring in the Camp Francis people, kids now grown and volunteers to give them a chance to thank me for that project. I don't like the idea of the attention and certainly being a recipient of money....on the other hand, there is no burial or life insurance. Tacky Huh?

Just a bitch

well, I think I might have done the right thing about the nausea. This morning I thought, "ok, I'll eat some food before I take my medications...the cheerios came up! So when I went to the Dr. for lab work today I told him I've been from the bed to the recliner and back to bed for two weeks (lost 2 pds). He put me back on steriods and boy was that alright with me. Already this afternoon I feel a better. I go next tuesday for mri and ct to see what is next......then to the dr. on the 22 for the report. So unless something major happens I'll be quiet on the blog...unless I have some deep spiritual discussion to share with all of you.

the nauseated bitch

Well, I'm done with the radiation. When I had radiation with my breast cancer, 13 years ago, I worked through the whole six weeks. The only effect I remember was that I was pretty tired. Now my nurse tells me I am older, and that the breast is an external organ and this time they are going into the core of the body so that is why I have felt so bad....yeah...never had morning sickness with six kids! Anyway, she also tells me that the nausea won't go away immediately, but she did give me some compazine to take at home, and this morning I ate two waffles and one eggs so may it will help. Yesterday I had another IV solution of something that made me feel better.
I mean from the bed to the recliner to the couch....for almost two weeks now!
So I have been less than nice....when I joked about grinding up my warfarin and putting in Sydney coffee, the priest though I should go to confession. Well, he don't know Sydney!
When I was on the phone talking with a friend and the American Cancer Society interrupted my phone call to see if I would go door to door in my neighborhood, I wasn't nice!
And when my employer, my RN supervisor called to see if I wanted to renew my CPR certification in July, I asked her if there was self-administered CPR? Poor gal, she is convinced I will live long enough to work another year...she might be right.
My radiologist, who is leaving the clinic in two weeks, said I will recover my strength and live a long time. Well, long is a subjective word I guess, but I like it. My oncologist is also leaving the clinic in Aug. So I might just as well get over this whole thing and get on with life. I think, don't know, but think that Benefis is driving the physicians out of the clinic?
Sydney's brother and and his wife will be here sometime today and I'm sure they will have a lot of complaining to do about our weather. They are traveling from AZ.
I hope I didn't bring this weather on. In March I was feeling like I would not see another winter and I asked God for some more snow....Sorry....I have a direct line to him you know....Well friends, family, and readers...I'm going to enjoy a show where I can wash off all the marks made for the radiation and try to get on with the rest of the spring........