fears

Cancer is such a scary word and such a scary place to live. I try not to live there. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997 I just heard "you are going to die." Well I was, but not just then...maybe later....maybe this time....maybe not?
The other day when I was making an appointment for my MRI and CT to see what is going on inside of me the clerk said on the phone, brain and spinal cord....then she added metastasis. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I thought to myself then chose to ignore it, but it kept coming back...."do they think it is in my spinal column, do they think it will go to the spinal column and does that mean I could be paralyzed later? Or did the clerk just mean they were checking all over for any metastasis? So I decided to give voice to this latest fear because I find that sayng things out loud diminishes their power......
Anyway, I have a problem with living in the cancer zone. I know people who had breast cancer when I did and are still going to support groups and running in races. That is OK for them.....for me I would rather go to a book club. I have refused to look at any of the cancer coping magazines, the Internet, etc. because I don't want that to be the focus point of the rest of my life...However, it is pretty hard to ignore at times...I just would rather be identified some other way then the old lady who is fighting cancer.

Now here is a question. My oldest son wants to have a fund raiser for me because we of course are facing big medical bills and every time I go to a doctor the co-pay is $40 and we are living on social security and fixed income. He thinks he should bring in the Camp Francis people, kids now grown and volunteers to give them a chance to thank me for that project. I don't like the idea of the attention and certainly being a recipient of money....on the other hand, there is no burial or life insurance. Tacky Huh?