Five rednosed reindeer!

On Thursday I had another Chemo treatment that was easy. But then all hell broke loose. Wed. I went to Mongolian Grill with friends and I watched them eat plates full of fried worms. I had egg roll soup and tea.sure was good. On Christmas eve we went to friends house to play games (didn't) and she had pasties from Butte and I had tea..sure was good, By morning, Christmas morning, I could not get my head off the pillow. Then the fun began. Sydney called the doctor, Kathy called the ambulance and five vechiles arrived with sirens and flashing lights. Sienna, thought Santa arrived! No one would let her open her gifts. When they finally got me inn the ambul;ance I told them to let the child open her gifts and I rode away with lights and siren to the manger scene.
The story,medically speaking, I was in AFIB, which is an irregular heart beat pattern. So they took me to the cardiac unit, and they kept coming in to ask me what I wanted to do if my heart stopped. I kept telling them to start it again. I guess I look older than I thought. Anyway so much for my fairy tales about nothing to Chemo. I had anemia, low white blood count, diarrhea, etc. I had two blood transfusions, new heart meds, an echo cardiogram. So today, Monday the 27th. I was able to take a shower by myself, spend most of the day in a chair and here I am blogging. Expect to go home tomorrow, but I'm going to be less expecting of tomorrows. Sienna will be back this weekend and I hope we can play with her toys.
I hope your Christmas morning had less surprises! My grandchildren from Libby are here this week too, so it will be fun to be home. Tomorrow is granddaughter from Libby's Birthday and Thursday is husband's is Thurs. and I ain't going to no Nursling bome. A new year is coming. Can't be as bad as 2010. Hope yours will be the best yet. I hoping for less shit.













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on the fourth day of chemo

The following stories are supposed to be funny, so if you start feeling pity, hit tghe delete.
On the fourth day after my last chemo my claim that chemo was a piece of cake started to fall apart. It was literally the shittiest day of my treatment. I dreamt I was spreading these walmart plastic bags of gas all over the house. Smelled like a cow barn or maybe a pig sty.
Then I woke up and realized my bed was damp. When I tried to get out of hed I slipped the floor. Realized I was on the bed for the night unless I could wake Sydney up. So I crawled to the bathroom with the hope of maybe liftingt my self to the toilet. Nope, so I shit on the floor and peed on the rug, discarded my nightgown and crawled naked back to bed. Couldn't get up so began to yell for Sydney and he finally heard me. Came into the room, picked me up and tossed me into bed naked and left me to go back to bed. Felt good to me. We slept till morning. Sydney washed all the bedding, towels, and rugs and now he's talking about a nursing home!

third Chemo

Showed up at the chemo station with cherry red Christmas fingernails and toenails!
Also had bruises all over. Seems the problem was that my blood level was too low and blood pressure was too high. hope to get those problems fixed this week and then maybe set the rooster shots in my knee. They worked real good a few years ago.
I tipped over by my bed last night and Sydney was able to jack me up.

Chemo was Taxol and Paxal this time and then we will add Avasta (which is supposed to stop the spread; I get two more Thurs. then a day off and start over. I don't know how long that will last, but so far no side effects. No nausea etc.

I'm done with shopping and wrappkng so will probably just enjoy the season. It is cold and crisp today and looks like Christmas. We have received lots and lots of Christmas mail and packages. I hope people don't think this is my last Christmas because I enjoying the attention so much I might stay around for another one! Love all you and each morning when I wake up to another gift.....a day from God,.you are the ribbons on that gift., HaPPY hOLIDAYS

34 years of wedded bliss? No, but partnership, yes.

On Saturday, our 34th anniversary, we went to the City Bar and had their seasonal tom and jerry drink and a nice sandwich for lunch. Treated our friends. Not exchanging gifts this year.
Then in the evening, Pascha, Syd and I went to Jakers. I had fish and chips, Dad had drunken noodles and Pascha had some kind of noodles too. We were pleased the the service or the food, so no more Jakers for us.
Sydney bought me a great gift. On Weds. I will have a pedicure and a manicure and I am going to choose Christmas colors! What a luxury!
Syd collects the bearfoot bears and I found a set of bears working out at rehab! He has about 9 cardiac rehabs sessions left. He has done well.
I have such a time with my knee. If I am too far down, I'm stuck....so I've learned to use the handicap toilet in Walmart etc. Anyway, last week I went to rehab for me and they gave me some exercises to strengthen my knee. I don't like them and I'm not going to do them. I am going to see about a knee brace and maybe use a cane.
The latest plan is to bring a book to the basement and stay down here until all the laundry is done. One trip a day up the basement stairs is about all I can handle. I think I'll ask the doctor about iron shots? Sure hate feeling so weak.
I need to go into town in the next two days and finish up all my shopping for Christmas, just in case I don't feel up to it next week. Sienna comes this weekend and I think she'll go to see Santa, sled riding, shopping and maybe a movie. We will have her Christmas morning. Hope you and yours are almost ready. Carol

you will die

Last year when I first learned about my cancer, I felt powerful and it seemed like a romantic thing to be entering into..what a bunch of s--t that was to be thinking.
Find this winter that I don't want to die. Ever!
So, I used to run 5 miles. I lost weight. I ate the right foods. What did you do to stop the death that you did not believe in?
Of course, we go through our life ignoring that we will, must and have to die. Think about it. Can you think about it? I think most of us do not believe it will really happen.
Will chemo kill the cancer cells where death lives? I don't really think so, but let's try. I do not plan on going gently into that good night even though I must.

Treatment number two

Yesterday I had my second chemo treatment....nothing different that I can tell. So far no side effects. Just a couple of syringes full of ativan and benedril and then off to a nice warm nap for an hour or two and then home. I'm sure it will get worse as it goes, but I don't go back now for two weeks. Husband and I might take a train trip to Libby with Xmas packages etc. on our 34Th anniversary next weekend. Pascha's gift to us!
We had 8 inches of snow last night and it is a winter wonderland outside. I have to say I kind like it. It is so clean.
I'm feeling better emotionally these days. Yesterday when I was in the doctors office they were playing the most beautiful recorded piano music. All Christmas themed. So nice.
I am going to be evaluated for a walker. Maybe I won't need one, but I keep tipping over and then I can't get back up because of my weak knee. Fortunately my bones are strong and every time I've gone down I haven't broken a bone, but like my docs says, that would be a disaster for me at this time....so maybe a walker will be a good thing.
Sienna comes tonight and I am "thinking" of making some fudge for gifts. Later!

away in a manager

Hi, well I'm trying to bring some Christmas into our house...manager scenes and angles etc.
I'm rethinking this hereafter stuff. I don't like the idea of fading into the cosmos with no recollection of being here. For thousands of years, people smarter than I have bought the Nativity story and the heavenly home of God. Who am I to dispute any of that wise thinking? So I've decided that even if I am wrong I would rather spend my last years on earth looking forward to heaven and those gone on before me than nothing. If I am wrong, so be it. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy this winter season.
We have lots of snow and it is beautiful, very holidayish, and I have some Christmas Carols on the TV.
We really had a wonderful Thanksgiving. All of my prayers were answered and we were with people who care about us. The white meat on the turkey was moist and wonderful as were the pies etc.
I am so grateful that Kathy and I are still together in our old age.
My next writing project is to write about a line of reception waiting for me in heaven. I don't know when I will get it done, but I think most folks will enjoy it.
I go Thursday for my second chemo...no side effects yet! I just am so pooped out. For every 10 minutes I'm upright, I need to spend 10 minutes prone. O well.......

Chemo

Well, yesterday was the first of the chemo treatments. I think the plan is to skip next week as it is Thanksgiving and then have another treatment on the first Thursday in December.

Here is how the day went.....first some blood work in the lab....then on to talk with the doctor. We looked at the MRI on the computer and the brain looks like it is under control. The lung mass in the lymph area of my right lung is growing and that will be the recipient of the chemo. I do notice some side effects. When I lay down at night it takes 5-10 good breaths for me to get my air. I also have some pleurisy discomfort. Not bad though, none of it so far.

Yesterday I had a 2 and a 1/2 hour infusion of Taxol, which is a chemo they get from the bark of yew trees, I'm told not to expect too many side effects. Probably some light nausea, which I have pills for, hair loss (o well) and some tingling in my hands and feet.

Before the nurse begins the infusion of the chemo she gives me a big syringe of avian and a couple of medium sized benedryl filled syrings. So I slept like a baby through the two hour infusion, expect for the part where I had to get up to pee and kinda wet my pants and almost fell over.....had to be held all the way to bathroom. So next time no latte before therapy.

I may work tomorrow, part time, Everyone over there is going to the Griz/bobcat game in missoula. I can use the money. Doctor says I'll probably be pretty tired this weekend, but the heavy duty kids with medical problems will be off campus so it should be very light work. I have a training session next weds. and then off for the thanksgiving holiday. Sienna will be here tonight until Monday and then her family will bring her back to great falls for the next weekend. I'm hoping we can get a pic of Santa Claus while she is here.

I called about a short haired tuxedo cat this morning. We'll see. Take care, don't worry...things look pretty good for now.

a story of joy

First let me tell you that I tried to post a pic of me with my new hair. Ain't really worth looking at and I guess I'll lose it soon anyway.

The story - When Francis was diagnosis with liver failure in 1977 his doctor said "who knows, they may be able to do liver transplants someday". Those transplants became experimental and insurance companies would not pay for them. It was hard for Francis to have insurance with pre-existing rules etc., but he did finally get Blue Cross on his employers benefits.

Then he lost that insurance, but his doctor continued to care for him and to encourage us to hope for successul transplant operations.

He applied for an evaluation at Baylor in Texas in 1988 and had purchased his plane tickets to leave in December. I got a call from the finance office to remind me that in addition to his insurance coverage he would need to bring about $40,000 co-pay. We never saw $40,000 in our lives, so we just went home. Over the next year he continued to deteriorate and he died in the spring of 1989. The day that he died several humong refugees who had gotten into a bad crop of mushrooms receieved liver transplants.

BUT, in 1968 some friends of mine had a little girl. She was the proverbial little girl with a curl who was very good when she was good and very bad when she was bad.
She grew up and got into drugs and the underworld and during that time gave birth to a daughter who was infected with her mother's hepatitis. Last week the daughter was in Stanford University and with just days left to live, (she is only 16), she received a liver transplant. I just love that outcome. Hope you do too.

Happy days are here again!

What a week....Monday....MRI and CAT, Tuesday talked with Dr. Warr who handed me off to Dr. Martin who will be my new oncologist. Spit up a large, cherry size blood clot on Weds. Dr. Martin put me on a cough syrup with narc. to suppress coughing and dislodging another clot and also just for "in case" an antibiotic. He agreed we would start chemo next week after the bleeding settled down. He also explained that if there was a large clot dislodged I could bleed out. You know, John Wayne and other cowboys who tried to hide the fact they were coughing up blood.
Now the thing was the MRI of the brain did not show any growth or cancer and yet I began developing strange symptoms. What used to be woodpeckers in my head were now garbage can wars of clanging and banging that lasted about 2-3 minutes. On Friday I had five episodes of tingling and lost ability to make words for 2-3 minutes. Called Dr. Martin who changed my steroids from 2 to 8 twice a day and said call if things don't get better. So about 9:30 last night Sydney and I went to the ER. I came home about 2:30 AM. Dr. in ER looked up the pro-time lab work that was done on Thursday and discovered I was out of the range of therapy. He thought maybe the brain tumor which is rotting (necrotizing) from the inside may have developed a bleed and maybe the lung blood was because of the too high bleeding time. So I'm off the coumadin (rat poison) for the weekend and then start a different dose this next week. I have bruises all over my arms too, so I think that is what happened. I got some much wanted Oxygen in the hospital and today has been much, much better. I can't have oxygen at home until I desaturated to 87 because medicare won't pay. I have been at 89 so far. When I loose the ability to make words, I wonder if I can use sign language? I'm going to check it out next time. I spoke with the ER doctor about my fear that I will lose my speech permanently and/or have a seizure. He told me those things will happen.....So that is the medical story.

Have any of you heard about Steven Hawkings ? He is a brilliant physicist who developed the big bang and black hole theories (at least I believe he developed them.
Well, he says our brain is a computer and when the plug is pulled out the computer is dead. So if the computer is my brain, I am connected to the WWW, for now by codes and addresses, but like the universal consciousness, I am one with all. I kinda like that theory, but he doesn't call the power "God". I think I do. The other thing about that is that if the computer if found later and a "techie" brings up the old programs, that would be like reincarnation? Maybe.
The other thing, and I don't want you to think I have been sleeping in a fox hole this week, I have been thinking about GOD. What makes me think that my one opinion of a creator is the right one. How about all the educated, learned men and women over the centuries who have stuck to the God, Jesus, Holy Ghost theory. Am I wiser than them? And what if each of get the here after that we have created in our time here on earth? How will you design your heaven? Do you want one?
Lots of things think about.
I would request emails rather than phone calls because I am so short of breath right now. Thanks.

The slippery slope

Well, things have changed. The brain tumor is shrinking and doesn't look threatening, but the lung tumor did not die with the radiation, so it is growing and next week my radiologist and new oncologist will put their heads together and decide what to do. I am agreeable to chemotherapy..
The only reason I thought something was not right was because I was so out of breath and so weak...So yesterday I asked Sydney to stop by the clinic and I had my oxygen level tested. I was at 88, it is always best to be at least above 90. After I sat for awhile it came up to 93, so nothing yet to worry about going onto oxygen therapy.

Here are some of the chemo drugs that I may use and some of their side effects.

Taxol -It is made from needles and bark of certain kinds of yew trees. It interferes with the growth of rapidly dividing cells, like cancer cells and eventually causes those cells to die. Get an IV every 3-4 weeks depending on the lab results.

Chemotherapy has lots of possible side effects. Of course we all know the nausea and vomiting stories. A decrease of white blood cells would put me at risk for infections. My platelet count could drop with increased risk of bleeding. Anemia, weak and tired, mouth and throat sores, diarrhea, aches 2-5 days after therapy and COMPLETE HAIR LOSS.

The other chemo drug is called carboplatin (horrible names aren't they?)
It is used for treating many kinds of cancer and also interferes with rapidly diving cells. It is also given every 3-4 weeks and the side effects are the same.

Avastin targets a protein called vascular endothelial growth factor (VEGF) This protein is found in many tumer cell types. Avastin works by interfering with these tumor cells and preventing spread to new sites.
During the infusion, which takes about 30 minutes, I could experience changes in my breathing, fever etc., my blood pressure will be monitored every 2-3 weeks and my medications may need to be adjusted

Sooooooooo, lots of possibilities., but not everything happens to every body and the one thing that shouted out to me was the possibility avastin may prevent the spread to new sites.

Last night I laid in bed and wondered if maybe I should just leave it all alone and enjoy what time I have left, but I decided, no, I'll try this chemo stuff. I'm pretty tuff and I'm not ready to exit yet.

I spoke with my radiologist today and he said he and my new oncologist will go over the game plan with me next Thursday and the three of us will decide the best thing to do at this poing. I may not be taking the above drugs, but it will be similar and I will let you all know.

Actually I have been waiting for this other foot to drop all fall, so to some extent I am glad there are some changes that need to be addressed. I hope to see another summer!

Well, the florist just called and are going to deliver me some flowers! I think it will be from my sister in law. Such fun. TA TA

leafing fall

Yesterday the wind blew down off the rocky mountain front with a vengeance in the attempt to blow away autumn and usher in winter...well it is November....but to no avail. It is almost 60 degrees and sunny and many, many leaves survived the blow. It is a spectacular autumn!
I always had a romance with autumn, my favorite time of the year. New color books, new color crayons, new clothes and new beginnings. And Halloween was the kick off for the holidays ahead, still is, I noticed Christmas ads on the TV the day after Halloween, which is all Saints Day, not all sales day. O well, it is still lots of fun for me.
As a kid Halloween really began the week of October 25th. The day before Halloween was trick day and it didn't involve any treats. It was just a day for us brats to run around and get into trouble. Most I ever really did was soap a couple of windows, but it was after dark and seemed very daring. I don't recall costumes, other than stuff we borrowed, like my dad's fishing hat and pole, or mother's apron. I think we did buy masks, but I don't remember any theme. Back then folks gave out homemade popcorn balls, candied apples, cookies, etc. And we knew which house had a pellet shot gun and who's doorbell not to ring.
My favorite Halloween memory as a child was the year my friend had a party. Her older brother met us at the top of the basement stairs with a rubber glove filled with jello and he escorted us down the stairs and then through spaghetti noodles in our bare feet! We bobbed for apples, we passed apples with "chin only" down competitive lines of buddies and we played musical chairs.
In my adult years I went one year as a clown to the children's hospital where I was working and wore a red bulb on my nose all day. Another time I had to have some correction on my front teeth. The day before Halloween the dentist ground down the front four teeth on top to sharp little fangs and I worked as a witch on the pediatric unit the next day. After Halloween my dentist put nice porcelain covers on the fangs.
This year I got called to work at the school, so I put together a witches outfit and a mask and no one knew it was me. Lots of fun and lots of good foot last Sunday.
Autumn seems reluctant to end....she hangs on longer and longer and yet we know, both her and I that the cold dark nights must follow, sooner or later.

Hair again, gone tomorrow?

My hair is growing back, but not evenly. Around the neck and ears there was some scraggly, longer hair. The operative word is "was". I went to a barber shop yesterday and had the neckline trimmed. Really looks pretty good now. In fact, I have worn my hair short for so long, (short for so long?) now there is an oxymoron, that friends accept it as a choice.
The ladies in town, beauticians, wanted $22- $25 to trim my inch of extra neckline, so I stopped in at the barber shop where my husband goes for $10 a cut. The mature barber was alone in his shop, sitting in his chair and reading the paper. He was a little perplexed at first, but after explaining why I looked the way I did, we eased into the proper places, me in his chair and him placing the bib around my neck. We talked weather, hunting, cancer, weather, hunting and more cancer. Business had been slow due to the hunter's first weekend and the warm weather. When he finished I looked a lot better and vowed to quit wearing hats and thanked him and gave him his $10 fee. Talking about wearing hats, I have a heck of a time not bumping into things because of the bills on the hats.
Talking about bumping into things. My equilibrium is lousy. I think I have radiation brain damage. If I start to tip over, I will just keep going unless there is something to hang onto. Then I have this knee that really should be replaced but I hate to spend that much of my allotted time healing a surgery for a new knee. I haven't replaced my glasses yet either, so I can't always see where I am going. Do I use a cane? NOOOOOOOOOOO, but I have a hiking stick with a compass on it and I am thinking of using that. It looks so much more cool, and I would always know what direction I was going, whatever difference it would make.
I am still struggling with the reality of death...if not now....later. I really don't want to die. Funny, I figured it would be as easy as going under surgical anesthetic, and wouldn't you think I would put more trust in a God than an anethesist? Nope, I can see the medical person and talk with him and he can tell me how long I'll be out etc., etc.
I sometimes think I am not going to die, at least not just yet. "What a bunch of baloney. Those docs just guess at time lines anyway and if I don't believe it, then how can it be...Of course, it has to be someday. Doesn't see right does it?
Many of you picked up on what you interpreted to be sadness, depression, etc. in my last blog, but the biggest emotion I've been dealing with is anger. I have come to the conclusion that no one really ever loved me. It was not that I was unlovable, but that those who should have did not know how. I also picked people for security and financial support rather than love, so I got that stuff.
At any rate, I am moving out of the funk...into some more pondering. I gotta say though that if even God is not unconditional in his love for me, then what hope is there anyway.
So I say to myself, God loves me no matter what! What does his love mean for me? Well,first of all I got a shot at this earth experience and there were six beautiful babies who loved me till they couldn't. I have been blessed with the joy of life, even in the midst of incredible adversities and losses. I love being here and I hope I didn't waste too much time lamenting what might have, could have or should have been. No kitty yet. Still looking. I want a tuxedo, black and white, short hair female kitten or a white calico female.
I belong to a book club and I recommend that kind of membership to everyone. I have read more books that I would never have looked at because we take turns choosing our reads. This last meeting, six women, six great women, got to laughing so hard at our feeble jokes etc., that I felt I had been to therapy when I left. Laughter...is such a release of negative stuff...try it some time.
27 Degrees last night. Hell has not frozen over yet, so beware and have a great Halloween.

saying goodbye to autumn

Boy, I've been in a funk all day. Actually the weather is so beautiful and fall is drifting away into November. Suddenly I don't want to die and I don't want fall to die. I'd like to just do a freeze frame for a few days, then I'll be back to reality, but for now I want to look forward to another fall, and another and another.

Sydney and I are going in two different directions. He is going to cardiac rehab three times a week and learning ways to take better care of himself for a brighter future. He is meeting new people and gaining some self confidence and losing some weight.

Me, I can't get a grasp on future. No point in shopping for new clothes, no point in joining any organizations. Partly because I don't have a lot of energy, partly because I just don't want to invest in anything, or anyone new right now. Don't even feel much like reading. I supposed I'm depressed, but I think it is temporary.
I have had a couple of auditory hallucinations. One like the old woodpecker, but the last one sounded like a symphony of garbage cans in the alley. And the other day I had that tingling sensation in my arm, shoulder and face and lost my ability to make words for just a couple of minutes. I go on the 8th of November for CAT and MRI, but the docs are not impressed with my side effects. I was trying to wean off of steroids again and after I lost my words I got up and took 2 of my steroids. No further occurrences.

I applied for a couple of jobs that I was overly qualified for and did not even get a "no thank you". I think it is age related. It feels like I'll just spend the rest of my days in my recliner. Sydney is happy with that lifestyle. He dutifully turns on the halloween lights each night and lights his candles and in the daytime he puts pieces in a jigsaw puzzle between chores.

I am hoping a change in the weather, colder and maybe even snowy will put me in the nesting mode and I will begin to think of apple pies etc., but I hate to bake and have Sydney eat stuff he shouldn't be eating. Me, I can eat anything I want to.

Now to those of you who care, please don't try to fix me with cards and phone calls etc., I will be fine in a day or two, but I felt like complaining today.

the worried well

I have been wheezing some, especially at night - thought I found some pinkish blood in the sputum in the morning, twice, so made an appointment with radiologist who didn't take me very seriously and didn't even listen to my lungs...He thinks as soon as we get a good freeze the allergens will go away and so will my wheezing and he agrees with me that the bloody nose I had the other day was source of the tiny bit of blood in my sputum. I go back in Nov.for the six month MRI and cat scan. So I am not the worried well tonight, just well.
Almost had a cat. The lady on the phone said "yes I do have a nice little calico kitten. I live in Ft. Benton if you could come to get her. Yes, she is short haired."
So friend and I went to Ft. Benton. The kitten had the most beautiful blue eyes, but beyond that she was either a mutant, or a mongrel. Black and brown hair, all mixed together. You know the type, you've seen them in alleys. Long hair, matted and brown and black mixture, with maybe one or two little white blurs. Well this kitty had a white blur on her nose, which helped and her feet are white, but one leg is a yellow tiger strip! I brought her back to town and friend 's son set the kitty up at their old farm and he loves her. Thank God. Haven't decided if I am going to try again very soon.
Yesterday when I got up at 7am, the sky was partially grey and a breeze was waving the trees that still have leaves. The atmosphere reminded me of an October day in 1952. I was visiting a ranch family at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. Their daughters were 10 and 12 and I was 14. We saddled up three horses and gathered some cooking utensils and food supplies and rode into the wilderness in search of a box canyon the girls had been to once before. We went deeper and deeper into the forest until there were no more trees. The landscape was rough rocks that had fallen from the horseshoe shaped canyon so we got off the horses and led them through the rocks, which was not a good idea either. The box canyon had a spectacular waterfall that dropped into a grassy meadow. That is where we fried our bacon and egg breakfast and bathed under the waterfall, never giving a thought to Grizzlies! My childhood was much like that.....the hell with risks. We then rode up to Swift Current dam and the basin was pretty empty so we rode around in that. I recall that as one of the most wonderful October days of my life, with the exception of Pascha's birth, which we will celebrate tomorrow, 33years.
Boy, this dying stuff. Last spring I was pretty much in an acceptance phase and had thought through a lot of spiritual concerns. Now I have come full circle. I don't want to die, and the last time I thought of extinction I almost started crying. Sometimes I think I should have died during the initial preparation period. I wonder if those men in Chili have any of those second thought of survival feelings now that they are out of the hole of hell.
I have not been hanging onto God very hard, but I sense that he has not let go of me.
Sydney has started the rehab portion of his therapy and he likes it. I am surprised. He likes the monitored exercise and the lectures about diet changes. He 6old me the other day that he is sleeping like a baby and gives credit to the surgery, but I think it is the Zoloff. Funny how the two of us transit through things. I guess we are still developing our relationship. We make our beds together, take turns with dishes and cooking and have become a team...after 34 years of acting like a couple of oxen yoked unevenly. But don't get too dewy eyed because we will probably be fighting again next week.
This week, all of my sons have a paying job!
So the economy is better in our family.
Doc. says the woodpecker in my ear is probably a hallucination caused by some of the swelling in the brain. Nice to be "normal". Hope you are too.

no kitten yet!

haven't found just the right kitty yet, but I will. We drove to Libby last weekend and had a great visit with son, daughter-in-law and grand kids. Grandson is sporting a cast on his broken arm and we went to watch his team win their football game. He thinks he will play again next year. One never knows about expectations and changes. I would not have bet on that boy ever joining any kind of team. He is even thinking about becoming an altar boy! Granddaughter, who is into jitterbug and high heels, has her fancy dance clothes hanging on the wall in her room. Pretty attractive.
Beuford, our Beagle, has been suffering from separation anxiety. According to daughter-in-law, who has the patience of Job, Beuford wined all afternoon when we left him and if they put him outside he bayed!
I had some separation anxiety this past weekend. Our houseboy, the oldest son, decided we could fly on our own and he went back to Oregon. He is working as a cook and also helping with some sound equipment in Astoria. He calls and tells us how green and lush everything over there is. I think he is glad to be home in Oregon. I am learning to run the vacuum again and husband has been picking up apples and plans to mow the lawn. The oldest could not have picked a better time to visit us, what with husband's heart surgery etc.
I went to the oncologist yesterday and he says all is quiet, no spread of lung cancer. I feel pretty good, except tired. I guess I might be tired the rest of my life? My upper back and across my chest aches like I have had a cough and made those muscles sore. Doctor says it is from the radiation and other patients have described the same sensation, so guess I'll stop complaining out that. Also he said the blurred vision is probably from the steriods, so I am in the process of weaning off the steriods again. I have a lot of tiny bleeding points and bruises, from the blood thinner I take. I told the doc. I would rather have leaks than clots so we are keeping me on the same dose of coumadin (rat poison you know).
I can't decide about memorial services. I keep going from religous to secular to nothing. I'm tired of the whole role of dying person, so I don't talk about it much anymore. I saw a job on the internet I might apply for. I don't know how an employer would feel about hiring a "short term" employee, but who knows which employee is the shortest term.
We are without a phone because I blew a gasket. We are going back to Bresnan, on the 18th. I made the wrong assumption that Bridgemax was a triple bundle. It is not. They are internet, the TV would be dish and the phone was vonage (they are in N. Carolina!) so it got out of hand with the phone company who has no technitions in Great falls and they expected to walk-talk me through the intricate wiring! After the third trip up the stairs I lost my ladyhood and told them to come and get their crap. Then the bank tried to charge me $27 for an accidental overdraft, never had one before, so I talked them into erasing that charge. EGAD! Bad Week.

kitten

Husband has finally agreed to a kitten in the household. He's not too happy about that, but is catering to my desire this time, which makes him a little more lovable. Of course, the kitten must be a female short haired calico. Well, we will see. But first we are off to Libby to see our wounded grandson. The boy looks like Harry Potter. Glasses and quite intelligent and reserved. Somehow his dad talked him into trying out for Jr. high football. About the second week he broke his arm in the practice sessions. But much to my surprise he is still attending the in-town games and wearing the uniform on the bench. Even talking about next year! Granddaughter won 2 out of 3 volley ball games and is talking about Jr. high volley ball. Should be a fun visit and as you readers know, we are having a spectacular Indian summer. I guess I should say "first people" summer. I told my friend who lives near the first people buffalo jump that she should put up a sign on their gate that says "second people" private property!
Autumn is really showing off this year. Last year we had a heavy early frost that just turned the leaves stiff and brown. But this year the ending is taking center stage with brilliant colors and filtered sunlight through graceful trees. Apples are getting redder and redder and the squirrels are shaking the red treasures off my tree as they try to bite into them. Sun flowers reach for the sky as they grow taller than our eaves and squash is being forced from their hiding place in the vines as they grown and the vines begin to shrivel. Its too bad that we have to have a taste of this time of year because it is the end, but perhaps that what dying is like, a wondrous gratitude that we have been created and are a part of the beginning and the end of seasons, in each there is a beauty that one does not want to miss, just one more time around? Maybe.

a proving time of the yer

Today when I was walking into my place of employment, somewhat reluctantly because it was a glorious golden fall day, I noticed the leaves had turned to yellows and golds during our long spell of rain and cool weather. I have always loved autumn, even as a child I remember almost crying at the beauty of the tree colors on the boulevard of Emerson School. Part of the wonder of fall colors included new crayons and darker colored clothes. Still does. I have on a pair of black slacks and a black sweater today.....last week I was wearing lime green and other fruit flavored colors.
Fall has a responsibility to show what it has come to after a long growing season. In our yard there are apples, changing quickly from green to red, and way too many crab apples, red as cherries weighing the swing tree down. In the front flower beds we planted squash and we have had too many yellow squashes and not enough acorn or Hubbard, but there are a few. The tree leaves are turning colors and the flowers are either wilting or thriving. The petunias, nasturtiums, and snap dragons seem to be happy with the cooler weather.
Anyway, my point is that fall is a time of recollection and production for us humans as well. I used to play a game where I would ask others if life went from January to December, what month were they in now? Over my mature years I began saying I was either in late August or early Sept. Now of course I am looking at November, but early November. As I lay out my accomplishments and the fruition of work done over the years I am pretty satisfied with the harvest and colors of my own autumnal equinox. Grey is a nice color for mature hair and makes the face softer. I raise my face to the sun and feel it's warmth and comfort as I ease into December with what I hope will be grace.
This past week has been full of cards and gifts. A beautiful quilt-type blanket for me and my bed, a broach that I lusted after a few years ago and a wonderful DVD to help me see the significance of me despite the billions and billions of others things made by our creator.
Tomorrow we are taking the camper fishing near Townsend. Pascha and Sienna will join us for one or two nights. Gardner is waiting for phone calls and paychecks so he made potato salad and chicken sandwiches today. I am working tonight. Looking forward to camping. Thanks everyone for moral support.

snow in Sept.

Well, we got up to a half inch of snow in our yard this past week. I guess I shouldn't complain because I didn't think I would live to see another snow storm, but it is kind of depressing to think of winter. Today there is a autumn fog playing with the Sunshine that is promising a nice afternoon. I am considering a walk to
Giant Springs with the dogs but I may just consider it. There has been a pall of depression milling around me lately. Partly disappointed that we did not make the trip to Libby. It really wasn't about the snow. It was about Sydney lack of interest in anything but football and the weather. What a bore he is. I'm angry with him because he doesn't seem to believe my time may be limited, so it is ok to waste another day in front of the tv. He might be right. Maybe I'll live to see another summer and we will be able to do the things we planned on. But if he is wrong, then I missed a trip to Libby to watch my grandson play football.
Fall is truly here and in celebration of the season I put out my fall quilts, fake apples, pillows, etc. Next week when Sienna comes she and I will take out the Halloween things. Yesterday I found a pair of tap shoes at the goodwill. I put them in her toy box. I bet she will love them. Gardner made sweet potato soup and homemade bread on the day of snow. Now we are gathering apples for pies, sauce and maybe some apple wine.s
I haven't been to church in weeks. Maybe that is why I feel down? Well, it seems no one misses me over there. I wrote a while back about when I meet everyone in heaven it won't be a problem because I have forgiven all, but now I am wondering if they have all forgiven me. I think, some days, that I am the greatest impostor of all.
On the surface, my life seemed admirable....but in reality, it has mostly been about me. Better stories next time.

seasonings

Last spring when I learned my time on earth is limited (yours is too), I thought I would not see another snow fall and I felt bad about that. Today, a cool rainy Sept. day. is a gift for me. An extra. The apples in our tree are turning red and the flowers in the yard are spent and droopy. I hope to bring my geraniums in and keep them as long as possible. We have one huge hubbard squash still growing and a couple of acorns, lots of huge tomatoes, but very few have rippened. It is all so "wonder" full. It is a blessing to be aware of the beauty and the preciousness of the harvesting season. We are all getting ripe, or aged, if you prefer that word. Sometimes I think, "I don't want to die. I like being here, for all the seasons. Then I remember that we all will die. Doesn't seem like it does it? Seems like it is so far, far away in time that we do not have to think about it, or maybe even believe it, but ZOOM the years go by and it might not be cancer, or heart, or stroke. Maybe it wil be alzeheimers and you won't even know you are still alive. What a waste. So pick you apples while you may. Pick them while you still know what an apple is, while you still remember how to make an apple crisp, apple pie, apple sauce and still have memories of making those things. Don't waste too many minutes of your life, but snoozing in the recliner is not a waste. Actually nothing is unless you yourself define it as a waste.

The intermission

My husband, who fractures the English language, has been telling people I am in intermission. I hope that doesn't mean the show must go on?
This week I have emerged from my dreams with all kinds of desires to do things, certainly not much more energy, but every thing matters. So the first thing that mattered this week was to tear up the old carpets in the basement and wash and wax the existing tile. I have two and a half rooms done. It is really heavy work, but the reward is a good smelling basement. Of course, the bird cage had to be scalded and then the lizard shed his summer skin and he is all clean and green. I hope to finish the one and a half rooms tomorrow and then with a little windexing and furniture polish I will be done with the basement. My reward will be taking out the fall decorations.
I have been reading two books that I picked up at the library. One is Heaven, and each chapter has another idea from another person or religion as to what heaven will be. Of course I did find that interesting, but didn't find any theory that I wanted to adapt. The other book is "How we live, why we die, the secret lives of cells." Very interesting. Each cell is a closed society that must work together for survival. Of course when they don't, they mutate or seep their contents and disease or system failure occurs. I did find that interesting when it is applied to cancer.
The other thing that blew my acceptance of a all knowing God, is that in each cell is a billion parts. A lot bigger pile than the Haiti dead. If you extrapolate those numbers to outer space, I don't see how a God has time to pay attention to me.
However, lately when I have directed my thoughts to the Holy Spirit I have felt a connection and sometimes answers to questions and prayers. I guess I don't have to know how it works, if it works anyway.
Husband is taking an antidepressant and seems better already. I hid his sleeping pills and he isn't arguing about that. He can drive now, but says it hurts. He goes to see cardiologist and surgeon this week, so hoping we might be able to drive to Libby for the weekend soon.
I've decided I like living and so I am ignorning time limits and just doing what I like to do. Mundane things like laundry and grocery shopping are fun again. Hope you are enjoying being alive.

the tides of shortened times

When I was a child, before the divorce and before my Mother died, my favorite time of the day was bedtime. After Mother tucked me in and kissed me good night, the light was dimmed and I drifted off with music from the radio and music from adults who murmured about their daily activities in the other room. I felt safe. I was misled, the world was not to prove safe for me.
This past weekend seven of us ladies who belong to a book club went into the wood, actually we stayed at a lodge, for a retreat.
After lugging piles and piles of equipment, cots, sleeping bags and food, food, food, we settled into the lodge in front of a rather inadequate fire and dined on dips, and sips, and sweets and other forbidden foods. This was a meeting of the infirmed. One lady brought a walker, or wheeler, and crutches, another was on a clear liquid diet and of course, bald headed me. However, the ladies brought me a whoopie Goldberg type hat with dread locks! I promised them I would wear it to work at least one day. One of the ladies brought materials for etching some wine glasses that her husband found at a garage sale.
The rain that night was horrendous.....We had an nice new bathhouse on the other side of the growing mud puddle out our lodge door.
The group settled down with wine and board games, but not me. I had brought a brand new pair of flannel jammies that a friend in Oregon made for me. I put those on and fixed my sleeping bag on the cot that another friend provided for me. I climbed into that camping cocoon and listened to the music and the murmur of 6 ladies who cared about me and I felt safe. It was such a wonderful night. I wish everyone could be tucked in for a safe night at least once in their life.

When we got back to town there was an email for me that my adopted daughter and her biological mother would be arriving the next day. Such fun to see them and have our pictures taken. Her mother is 83 and looks pretty good. She always did, I was so jeaulous of her when I was young and gangly, she was blond, buxom and had high heels and fur coats. I even bought a fake fur coat to keep up with her and I wore it to church with a housecoat underneath and no nylons. Anyway we had a wonderful time catching up on all our children. (we had 10) and grands and great grands and now great, great grands.

My husband is going through a tough recovery from his heart surgery. He is not sure they really fixed him and doesn't trust too much of the world right now. Last night I thing he overdosed on sleeping pills and fell in the bathroom, so I have hidden his meds. He did agree to try an antidepressent last week so that is encouraging.
He has a way of fracturing the english language and I so wish I would have started writing those mistakes down 35 years ago. It would be another book! He has been telling people that I am in "intermmission"

Thanks to relatives who stepped in for me when I could not go to Oregon with Pascha and Sienna, they had a wonderful vacation. I have a pic of me in the dread locks hat and I will add it to this post sometime in the future.


Say a little prayer that I get hired for a project. I don't want to tell you what it is, but I sure want it and if I get it you'll be the first to know. Not only will it help me financially, it is a challenge that I have been missing.
Goodnight.

update

Doctor appointment went well today. Blood work find, nothing suspect anywhere. Doc said if the woodpecker would stay away with the small steroid dose, go for it. He doesn't take me very serious.
My pet peeve for the day, as usual, is the editorial mistakes in the Tribune that are obvious proof reader's misses. Today, especially, I was appalled to see the header calling the state a "nation" in our union. I can't believe the Tribune let me go because my computer skills were inadequate. I guess the person they hired in my place knows how to use spell check? Apparently, that's all.
Working tonight at the MSDB. Pascha called last night to tell me about the wonders of a bucket and a shovel and the beach when you are four years old. They are having a good time. Wish I was there. Thinking about squeezing in a Yellowstone trip in Sept.
Be grateful for the day given to you.

Hell might not be so bad

This week is looking better, but last week was not something you write home about, or write blogs about.
Sydney, fueled by fear, was a raging bull most of the time, and when I threw the TV remote at him and hit his close to his surgical site, it was a nasty fight. He threatened to call 911. I hated to see him pack off in the paddy wagon so I'm glad he didn't.
The next day, just as I had put my pjs on, he said "Carol you better take me to the emergency room" by the time I was dressed and ready to go he decided he was ok. Seems he couldn't get his breath because he came up the stairs too fast.
Meanwhile, Pascha and Sienna are packing for our summer vacation, which is no longer "our" vacation. Pascah and Sienna left for the Oregon coast on Friday.
Sydney can't drive for one more week, but he has been cooking a little and tending to the flowers a little...this week is better.
I am looking forward to a "book club" retreat in the mountains this next weekend, just us girls.....
I was trying to get off my steroids, I don't know why because the insurance covers them and it is a small 4mg a day dose...anyway, every time I try to reduce them I get strange "brain" side effects. at least that's what I think they are...one thing is a auditory noise, like a knocking....woodpecker...etc. lasts about 3 mins. Happened twice....also I had one day of numbness and tingling on right side....pretty bad, for about 3 minutes, but like twice an hour. Stopped now that I am back on my steroid. I also discovered that the Holy Spirit, called the comforter, can make the woodpecker go away.
My biggest stress this past week was a change in my email, because I had an ugly virus. I hate changes...
Well, hell, I have a doctor appointment this week, so I'll tell him about the woodpecker.....might have to have cat scan...Also going to see the dermatologist. Think I have two skin cancers on my cheek.
Next blog should full of better stuff. I have days where I am sorry that anyone, including Sydney, had to know I had cancer. I would like to take my camper and go park it somewhere where no one could find me...and then I could ponder things better, but here I am, where I am supposed to be....so....I'm back to work. Went through 40 hour orientation last week. Pretty dambed tiring, but now I am scheduled to work only one evening a week unless someone is ill. I guess Iller than me!
Counting my blessings didn't take too long last week. My list will be longer next time.

progress?

The hard part of taking care of someone post-op cardiac surgery is the emotional support. The husband is doing well physically, well mostly, he isn't exercising his arm like he was told, which may be why he still has some pain on that side of his chest. I would think it would be like when I had to do arm exercises after my lymph nodes were removed. It was uncomfortable, but I did it in the shower and it seemed to help. Well don't try to tell mister anything!
But the real support he needs is emotional, and I don't have much to give. He complains that his summer is almost over and he didn't get to fish or travel and I think, "yea, mine too, and it could be my last summer." I don't say it (often) because he thinks I will make it happen if I speak it, my death that is.
I'm feeling hopeful, but I also am feeling weak and tired most of the time and it seems that after three to four months I should be getting stronger. Well my hair is growing! I go to the oncologist next week. He's the one who told me he couldn't justify giving me any chemo if I didn't have cancer. I was thinking preventative type treatment. Guess they don't do that.
It has been two weeks since husband's surgery. He laments the loss of barbecued pork ribs, rib steaks, fried eggs and bacon and every thing else he has ever lived for. He looks at the food ads on TV and cries. But he did get dressed and went to the grocery stor6 yesterday. He can't drive for two more weeks. I think that will liberate his mood too.
I am at work. This is my third day and I am feeling it. This week is orientation week so it is a 40 hour work week. I will only work one day a week after that, except for an occasional substitution shift. I will be glad when this week is done. I am pretty tired. Later Carol

rain in the summer

Today it is raining in Great Falls and maybe snowing a little in Glacier Park. The rain is apropos for my mental state. I am depressed about the changes in our summer plans. Sydney is home and doing well and beginning to cuss about the menu changes and beginning to miss his chewing tobacco. I am scheduled for a full week or orientation for the coming school year at Montana School for the Deaf and Blind. I'm not sure I want to return to work, but I like money and it is nice to get out and see others, so we'll see how it goes.
Life sure happens when you least expect it. I won't be any ones hero this week. I am disappointed and ungrateful for the extra time that I am being gifted with. I feel guilty for wasting any part of any day, but I have been...More happiness messages next time.

update

well, Sydney is doing good today. Yesterday he was in so much pain his legs were thrashing and he was unable to even moan because he was on the respirator. Today he is sitting in a chair watching Jeopardy and complaining. It is amazing what a difference 24 hours can make. I expect him to come home either over the weekend or Monday. I have a bad virus on my main computer so I won't be blogging till I get it fixed. Sydney welcomes phone calls starting on the 10th. We still hope to travel to Oregon in Sept. Thanks for the love and prayers that we have felt. Carol

sugery today

Hi, I'm sitting in the Benefis surgical waiting area. Today, Tuesday, Sydney went to surgery at 7:30n am. They have very nice accommodations for family. I am in a private area and there is a phone here where they call from surgery to keep me posted on progress. They are now, at 10:30, harvesting the arterial graphs. Sydney is not on the heart and lung bypass machine yet. They will call when they do that and then again when they have him back on his own heart. I expect he will return to his room upstairs about 3pm with a respirator. A few hours after that, when he can be alert enough to breath on his own they will take the tube from his throat and he may even have to take a step or two this evening.
He was really scared Saturday, but coming to the hospital a couple of days early gave him a chance to ask lots of questions and look at a heart model etc., so he was ready to go this am.
Maybe too ready. He wasn't sure he wanted cpr if needed. I asked him why and he said that way he wouldn't know when he died and wouldn't have to go through that. I think his big fear is the passing process, not the destination!
The surgical nurse just called to say Sydney is now on the heart and lung bypass and that she will call me when he is back on his own system, but it will be awhile because he has so many grafts to do.

Yesterday Gardner decided Sydney should get to see Beuford, our beagle dog before his surgery. He brought Beuford in the first floor and the security guard asked him if the dog was registered (he meant as a therapy dog) and Gardner assured him he was (he meant a registered beagle). Anyway Gardner took the dog to the Cardiovasularunit upstairs and when Beuford saw Sydney he started his loud baying and Gardner and the dog were asked to leave, but Sydney was so pleased everyone thought it was worth it.

I will try to post this evening, just to know all is going as expected, as I think it will.

PS Yesterday I poisoned myself on fair food: chocolate ice cream dip, popcorn, cotton candy, peanut brittle, shaved ice, corn dog, etc.

PPS On Saturday I got health care giver CPR certification renewal with a 100 percent score. Sure glad I didn't have to use my skills on Sydney. I am scheduled to return to work at the deaf and blind school on the 16th. I'll just have to see how that goes, with Sydney and all. His sister may come to be with him that week.

weekend activities

On Thurs., Sydney decided he wanted a third opinion, maybe 4th? but he kept having reoccurring chest discomfort.
By Friday he had lost his spot on the surgery schedule and was scheduled for Aug. 18th. He continued to have intermittent chest pains,or pressure, or funny stuff. At one point I think he was about to cry. I tried to talk him into going to the hospital by ambulance, but he was embarrassed...Wouldn't let me drive him there either, but agreed that if he felt bad in the morning he would go. Then he got up and shaved and brushed his teeth, just in case.
The next morning he felt better....thought he might go over to the ER after he got his taxes done. By now I am thinking I'll just kill him. It will be a lot cheaper.
So Kathy I went to church and he was at her house watching TV. When we got back he said, "I think I should go to the hospital, but I need to go home and take a shower first." Sure you do, I thought. He had taken two nitro glycerin with no relief. So we put him in Kathy's car and went straight to the ER.
This morning,Sunday, he has had his third opinion and a nice breakfast and some education up on the cardiac floor about the surgery that is probably going to be Weds. I'm on my way to see him and I assume they will keep him until Weds.
I'm on my way to Barnes and Noble cause I think I am going to have some time to sit and read.

Just when you thought it was safe to go into the water?

By golly, I was beginning to enjoy my exit strategy. I mean, no bills to worry about, no need to clean the garage this year, forget teeth cleaning, cataract surgery, knee replacement. Who would ever know if the kids succeeded or not. I spent my days from bed to recliner watching, The Andy Griffith show, the golden girls, Roseanne, everybody loves Raymond, spent most of my money, and just let the guys around here wait on me hand and foot.

Husband has been having some angina pain, but I didn't pay too much attention to him because I know how competitive he can be and his sister just went through some cardiac stress tests etc. Well, anyway, he went in for a couple of tests and he is beyond stints, coronary arteries are too plugged to try and push the plaque out. So he has been advised to have open heart surgery, that is a quadruple bypass operation!
He's scared and has asked for a second opinion, but tentatively it is scheduled for next Weds. Thank God we have two other men in the house to help the two of us out. Like Stephen in Libby says, "Those F...n old fogies are going to wear us out for the next few years. His wife's parents had some major medical problems in the last coupled of years.

So: Here is a statement of love: Sydney said to his cardiac surgeon, "Doctor, my wife has terminal cancer and I don't really care about living without her. Can't you just patch me up until then?"

naps and tv

boy, I'm getting to feel like an old foggy.....nap every afternoon and then be sure and watch news, jeopardy and the wheel of fortune. Now lately I have been watching old Everybody loves Raymond series, or old Golden Girls, and o by the way have any of you watch 88 year old Betty White on the Hot in Cleveland show? She's my new role model.

I can't decide if I am tired or if I have just fallen into a lazy life style. I guess it doesn't really matter.

Went to the doc yesterday and all is fine. He said go ahead and take the Steroids if I want. His thought was that once I got off of them my system would settle back to normal after a week or so. He is probably right. Back to the doc on Aug. 26th...

Some friends came to visit us with a home made rhubarb pie. We weren't home but we ate it and then they came back a few days later to visit and to offer any spiritual comfort they could. They were so sweet. The Mrs.was in tears trying to assure me that I would not just disingrate with death, but would join my family and other loved ones in the here after. The love was felt.

I do like that idea.

Did any of you see the huge new sun that was discovered out in space somewhere? much larger than ours! And I make such silly assumptions that there is not enough room for all the humans created from the beginning of time. I am so finite.

My son is sure God heard his prayer of desperation when he won $1,000 last week. I personally don't think God is into gambling prayers....but what do I know. Seems like every time I think I know, I find I don't.

I've been thinking lately about all the man made rules regarding religions. After all when Paul was marketing the Christian religion it was pretty basic. Now there are so many rules that have been created by man, or have been discarded by man, that I am beginning to understand why the fundamental churches are trying to return to Jesus and his teachings.

I'm glad that in spite of all my questions and rebellious thoughts God has a plan for me (whatever it is).

Another Birthday

The doc told me three months to a year....well almost five months....means I either fooled him or I have seven months...hell he don't know! Anyway I'm 72 now!
I got out the steroids yesterday and increased my dose and already feel better. I suspect the weakness and nausea are caused by radiation to the brain area that controls that. Kinda like motion sickness or mineirs ear disease.
Anyway one oncologist has tried to wean me off the steroids and the radiation oncologist says "take three or four when you feeling bad, it won't hurt anything"
Yesterday a friend of mine met me at Gibson park with a picnic lunch: dip made from salsa and sour cream and cilantro, chicken salad sandwiches with rosemary and other foreign herbs that were delicious, goat yogurt with honey on blue berries and strawberries. She also gave me a sweater/shirt set that perfectly goes with a pair of slacks. She said she only paid half price, but it was still a lot more the goodwill prices. Such fun.
My other friend took me to the casino and paid for the fun....but we both failed to cash in $50 winning and pooped them away.
In the evening Sydney, Gardner and I went to the casino. Sydney left as soon as he was $9 ahead. I had to stay with Gardner who kept giving me money and kept wasting his own. I pretty upset...Finally made he quit when he had $100.
This morning, while I was still in bed, he went back to the casino and won $750.00.
He needed it.
I'm already feeling better with the steroid increase and so I think I will clean the refrigerator today. Happy July to all.

Dignity be dambed!

Well, our visitors came and we talked non-stop for two and a half days, catching up on kids, retirement, medical stuff and travels.
We took them to a concert type gathering down by the river. Shaved Ice, pronto pups, burgers etc.
With the adjustments I have been making with my steroids I have had very little energy so I just found a place in the grass and plopped down (not giving any thought about how I would get up.
Well it came time to leave, the guys in our group each offered a hand and tried to pull me up. My bad knee would have no part of that. At one point they did pull me half way up but I fell forward. By now the concert crowd is watching us! I decided if I could get to a tree I could pull my self up. I crawled through the hippies and families, who were trying to look away, except the children who were delighted in my dilemma. The tree was of no help, so I just sat there, leaning against the tree while the little children ran in circles around me and the tree. I should have taken my hat off and my teeth out. They would have run.
One of the guys in our group got a chair and they held it down with their feet while I managed to pull my self half way up and then all the way up. I will never sit on the grass again!

hair??

I do believe some hair is growing on my wrinkled head. Well the stuff at the nape of my neck is growing because there was no radiation done back there, but I see a few strands that are longer than their neighbors, so something is going on? I have been cutting back on my steroids and I sure can tell. A little bit dizzy, a little bit of nauseous, and very tired. I did manage to do some maintenance house cleaning this week though.
Sydney, the husband, has been have some kind of sensation in his chest that he can't describe too well, so he had a stress test today, which was fine, and he will see cardiac dr. on the 26th just to rule that out. I think there has just been too much death and dying going on.
We have company coming tomorrow. Our rich friends, they drive a Jaguar...nice folks with health problems of their own.
The Catholic Vigil and Mass for my friend that died probably made him turn over in the expensive pine casket. For some reason, he left the catholic church many years ago??? Anyway his family were consoled and that is what is about sometimes. Another thing, how do any of us know what our neighbor's relationship with God is at the time of his death?
Looks like I am going to have another birthday! Three months to one year - life expectancy is now 4 1/2 months to one year! Have a good weekend...a RE-joyous each morning that you are still here, if this is where you want to be.....

Epiphanys and realities

Today my friend died. He was 85. We only found out he had cancer a week ago, but I think he has known for a long time. I met him in 1958. His wife was in the hospital with a new set of twins and he was setting up the three room apartment in the basement of the house I lived in. His little boy was 2 1/2 and trying to help. Neither one of them spoke clear English. My friend was French and his little boy copied his accent.
I never thought anyone in my immediate circle would die before me, just goes to show me and you too that we don't have yesterday anymore and we don't have tomorrow yet. Only today.

Sydney and I traveled 2200 miles last week. Across the green, green grass of Montana, North and South Dakota, and Wyoming. Every place was so green and beautiful and the tall grass waved like the ocean across the prairie. We saw the president head and Crazy Horse, which has a face now. I won $120 in Deadwood, which meant I only lost $! on the trip. There was so much walking to do that I gained a lot of strength on the trip. I still feel the effects of the radiation which has been done now for 2 months, but its just a tired feeling, nothing else. I am in a period of remission and am still bald, think I will always be now. I'm thankful for this time...hope it continues a long, long time.

I still struggle with my belief in the next world. There are times I think life is like a light switch. Turn it off and the light goes away but turn it back on it comes back, but is it the same light? Does it matter? do we all belong to the same light?
I have a friend who believes that when we die we return to that source, call it a light, or a universal conscience. I wonder then why did God make only one of me if he was going to mix us all together in the same pot anyway? I have had a lot of trouble accepting the Catholic's belief that the bread and wine actually become the true blood and body of Christ. But the other night at Mass I was thinking about all of us belonging to the same source, GOD, and if we pass into that when we die,then what is so unbelievable about Jesus passing back into the physical realm during the Mass? Food for thought.....
If there is only one trip here I sure am happy that God put me in America, but then I feel sad that I might have taken a place a starving African could have used and I wonder if I have fulfilled what ever mission I was set upon to justify my good life.

just hi

I seem to be picking up strength each day. My appetite is much better and I am no longer nauseated. Sometimes I think I am dizzy, but I've always been that...so?
Next week Sydney and I are going to head down some road with our motor home and our dogs....not sure what direction we will go in and I'm not sure it matters.
I've been in a period of blah....not really depressed, but tired of being a cancer patient.....so I am just ignorning stuff and some people too. I hope I haven't offended anyone by my seculsion, but I have just kinda wanted to be left alone. I think a lot of pondering has been going on with me.
This Monday night I am coming out of the closet....a book club dinner....I am really looking forward to that.
Yesterday I ventured out with my bald head...first time in public....I don't know, it didn't feel too bad, but I am a sight to behold. Reminds me of a time when I worked for the state of Oregon as a secretary. I couldn't afford to replace my nylons everytime they got a run...so I wore them, with the runs, and I came to realize that the other girls felt superior to me on those days. At least that's what I surmized, and so that became my gift to them. I kinda felt that way yesterday. If my bald head causes another person to feel better about the way they look, or feel it is alright to stare, then that might be my gift. Talk about being egotistical? More growth needed! The sun is out and it sure is welcome.

A gentle time

Last evening, at the end of a warm sunny day, the last of the sun was flitting through our apple trees and as I gazed out kitchen window I noticed Sydney just sitting there in the lawn chair with the dogs, rocking and chewing his wad of tobacco. It occured to me that he has been a bowl of mellow jello lately and I decided to PONDER that fact.
Certainly in the last three months my priorities have been rearranged. I have come to realize that I have done about all I can to "fix" Sydney and also to realise that it doesn't matter now.
Too bad I didn't figure that out 34 years ago. It might have been a smoother marriage. Too bad one can't pass the lessons on to young wives.
At any rate, all those years of: sit up straight, comb your hair, don't curse, make your bed right, don't eat so much, you need to go to church, don't chew with your mouth open, quit chewing tobacco, stop drinking, etc.,etc, just used up some of the good times we could have.
It is quite a thing to find out that the world will go on without out you and perhaps with some improvement? Anyway sure has been peaceful around here. Sydney gets up about 11:30, reads the paper till 1 or 2, then starts worrying about dinner and that activity lasts until the boys come home for dinner about 5pm. Then there is the news, jeporady, wheel of fortune and if I don't take the controls, cop shows....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

progress

After two weeks in the recliner fighting nausea I went back to the radiologist to see if things were getting worse.
They are not.
I had a cat scan and the tumor on the brain continues to be the size of a quarter but that seems be expected. Dr. said it takes a long time for those things to grow and a long time for them to sluff off. Because of my age and all the stuff that has been going on for the last three months he feels I am going to be slow in recovery. At any rate, the tumor is not growing and he feels that mother nature will take care of things so that I do not have to have the cyberknife treatment as now. He thinks the nausea is due to swelling around the tumor in the brain.....sooooooooooooo..........back on steroids! Sounds good to me. Because I have been too nauseated to do much my strength and equilibrium have dimiished, so as soon as I am up to it I hope to begin walking at least to the end of the block. I just finished some oatmeal and it sure was good! Sunshine helps too! I am hopeful again.

YUK!

Hi, well for the past week I have just been increasingly nauseated and tired. It has been a month since we stopped treatment so I decided to try and fix a few parts.
First of all I went to my family doctor with the idea of getting a cortisone shot for my knee. Last winter I had a plan to get an artificial knee, but that is not something I want to give any of my time to, so I got a cortisone shot...I don't think it is going to work, but there is another option. My knee still hurts...so...about ten years ago I had sinvisc injected in my knee....three shots a couple of weeks apart and they cost over $500 ten years ago, but it worked for ten years! So may do it again. While I was in my family doctor's office we talked about the idea that I may have depression symptoms. I agreed and so I am going to start taking Zoloft. Haven't yet but I have it at home to start when i am ready to.
That afternoon I went to the eye doctor...Seems like I just can't clean my glasses enough lately. Well of course I have cataracts.....Now I'm not going to have those removed,but I do have a new prescription for some better lens....
Today I got up and took my daily meds and promptly vomited them into the sink...so I called my doctor who is out of town and made an appointment to see one of the other oncologist.
I have really been feeling shitty all week, chills,exhaustion,nausea,can't force food down....
Today he did blood work,urinalysis,poked around the abdomen, (I've been afraid it might be the pancreas or liver, but he didn't think so. I have not lost any weight, temp. 97.6, oxygenation at 93%, BP 112/76...I mean I am a healthy specimen, except for the nausea......So he ordered zofran,which is a med that can melt in you mouth and stop the nausea and he increased decadron from 0.5mg a day to 8.00mg a day for the weekend. He thinks it is the PCI leftover, which means prophylactic cranial irradiation....brain radiation......
At any rate, that is why no wise and wonderful words have emanated from this blog...I've been in bed or in the recliner, not giving a shit.....BUT I WILL AGAIN.

A grave situation

Those of us who are "older" can't ignore the ritual of decorating the graves for the memorial day procession. In our minds people pass by and if nothing has been done we assume the decedents either: moved away, died, or just don't care. Now the merchants have capitalized on this thinking and you can buy plastic floral wreaths for $20. I have about 30 places I could put one, but I don't. In fact I bought a bunch of plastic carnations, cut off two for each stop and buried my guilt for only $3.
We had Sienna on the day that we went to the graveyards and that turned out to be complicated. I may have lost my touch with bereaved children, although she is not bereaved, but when I showed her a sea shell that "used" to be wear some creature lived, she wanted to know about the whales.
She asked what a graveyard was and I told her it was a garden when we put old bodies of people who had died and that when they got to "heaven" they would get a brand new body.
"But grandma, I've already been to heaven for a new body."
"Oh."
Then,because someone has taught her that her private places are "her body" she wanted to know if she would get the other parts, too?
At the baby's grave, the questions were "why did she die?" Where did she get a germ? I had a germ one time, etc. etc.
Now to complicate the visits...when we left the catholic cemetery to drive to Highland Sienna decided Highland was heaven and the people under the tombstones had new bodies....Then Sydney got in the meddle by telling her to stop making so much noise because the "people were sleeping" and "don't walk there, your walking on someone." When I said, "O, for God's sake don't tell her that. They are just old rotting shells in the holes, " he gave me hell for having no respect for the dead.
Brother! So goes it at the Holoboff home. I continue to be too tired to do much except sit in the recliner most of the day, but I'm forcing myself to eat, no appetite,and do some arm reaches. I am "toying" with the idea of walking to the end of the block.

gifts in the mail

Yesterday the postman brought me the nicest gift. My rich friend in Oregon made me the cutest pair of pajamas. What a wonderful gift, home made, from heart! I think that was the neatest thing to do for someone who is ill. Also a couple of jars of marmalade. She and I went to nursing school together when we didn't know any better. I've always called them rich friends because they have a jaguar car.
The other day I got an email from a woman who had been to Camp Francis in 1996. She told me how she still remembers the stories I told about Francis. It was such fun to hear from someone who believes that the work I did made a difference in her life.
We had family here from Utah this past weekend. My nephews are kind of long haired hippies? Anyway, I'm sure visiting with an old auntie, who is now bald, was a gift from their hearts.
Now, theologically, I have had an epiphany....I was thinking, the other day, that there is, in all of God's creation, only one Carol. In all of the eons gone before, there has never been another Carol. "Before you were formed, I knew you." So I think maybe I am significant. When I picture the piles of brown broken people in Haiti, now I think no two were alike. I mean this is science! So if there is only one of me then God surely would not just dispose of me when I leave this physical state. Well, anyway, do with this insight what you will. I found it rather comforting.

emotions

Well,the unexpected happened to me when I went to bed last night. I cried. I seldom do. When I saw my oncologist on Monday he said the lung tumor had shrunk but the brain tumors hadn't yet. I said so will they? He explained that the dead cells from the tumors are sloughed off as the macrophages eat at them like pac-man.
Anyway he didn't want to see me till August except to monitor my blood level for the coumadiin I am taking. No other treatment at this time, except I'm tapering off the steroids. I am still pretty tired.
But the interesting thing is that I feel like I have been dropped off the hay wagon. When I was going to the clinic daily for treatment it felt like I was fighting the cancer. Now it feels like no one is watching things. And I'm not sure how to proceed with normalcy (except for the hair which I don't think is growing back at all and I might just start going bald everywhere because I hate all the head covers I have tried) and the daily activities of living.
I did decide to have my teeth cleaned, my eyes checked, my knee cortizoned and I told them I would be back to work in the fall at the school.
Now then, Sydney has already asked me to make a meat loaf and I don't hear any plans for a big vacation trip.
My bucket list my be watching the radishes I planted grow and doing the state fair with friends and granddaughter....This weekend we have a new kite to try out.
So life goes on at the Holoboffs. Lung cancer is pretty hard to beat.....but I am hoping to see Pascha graduate in two years. Thank all of you for prayers, wishes, suggestions,concern, love and caring thoughts.

good news

Hi, I'm too busy to write much, but the tumors are shrinking and I don't see the doctors until late August. I'll write with more details and feelings about that later. Our company from Utah toasted my "red beer" drink today.

Gifts

It is so special when one receives a gift from the heart, especially when the person sending the gift has no investment in the situation except that of love for another person, unconditional love.
Yesterday I received a little leather pouch with fringes on the bottom and a string attached so I could wear it around my neck. The person sending the gift is a shaman of sorts and I have worked with her in the last 8 years in Libby, but we were never close.
Inside the pouch were: #1 - a hat or lapel pin, a figure of wonder woman, that understand was one of this woman's most treasured items (saw her through a diabetic pregnancy!)...the note read: "to fight for you when you are too weak."
#2 - A silver thunder bird with a turquoise stone...the note read: "to give you the ability to soar past pain."
#3 - A desert rose...the note read "roll with the heat of chemo punches."
#4 - A pink ribbon breast cancer pin....the note read, "so you never give up the fight."
#5 - An amethyst..the note read "to bring you peace."
#6 - A ruby (belonged to my friend's 'Mama Moon' and was carried through many battles...the note read..to put blood back into your heart and your ink pen."

Last was a stone fish...that I was directed to name....I chose to call the fish "Sammy" and see him as a guide back to my spawning place.

Wasn't this the nicest gift ever?
She sent me a note and the last sentence read: Never stop writing, your pen is your heart beat.

follow up tests

Well, yesterday I had an MRI of the brain and a CT of the chest. I will get results on Monday.
Boy I have really been a bitch lately. I guess I found Kubler Ross's anger stage. Sydney and I have been at it tooth and nail this week. Pretty ugly. I guess I don't understand what he is feeling. I do know that if (or when) I die before him, his whole world will change for the worse in many ways.
Today my boss from MSDB called and we got to talking. Her husband went through brain cancer three years ago and she was telling me how hard it was to feel unappreciated and left out of the sympathy cards etc. That helped me see Sydney's life from another angle. But he complains about his responsiblities all the time and all I see is that he is cooking, dishes, paying bills, all the things that I did while I worked, raised kids,went to school etc., etc., I think he is just a whiner and then he calls his family and they call here and tell me to be nice to Sydney and I think "did I bring this dying business on myself, just to get out of this 35 year marriage?"
Anyway you can see the dynamics that are going on here at our house....Hope your entry to summer is smoother.
We are all planting flowers and a few vegetables this week and looking forward to a visit from my niece and her family this weekend and then maybe to the hotsprings for the memorial day weekend.
Sienna was here this weekend. I said to her, "lets cut off half of your hair and glue it on my head." She got a little scared and said, "no!" I said, "O, I was just kidding. I wouldn't do that." Then she said, "O, grandma, your hair will grow back." She is so cute and just takes it all in her stride. \
I don't think it is growing at all.

a dream

The sky is brilliantly blue,I am hanging onto a free floating steering wheel. It is white and big enough to wrap my legs around.....I am very high in the sky. There is no way to get off the steering wheel except to let go and fall to ground....a couple of times I thought about that, assuring myself that I would not feel the impact and it would be quick....but I could not let go. Of course, in that senario I would eventually have to, but not until I had pissed on the world about me?

Hell no. I won't go.

Boy when I first was worrying about dying it was the first of March...all the trees were leafless and the grass was brown and mostly the sky was grey....but now.....color every where and new life pushing through the ground and the sky is blue before 6 am. I'm changing my mind God. I think I like it here. Always did.
I want to assure my readers that I did not go to the cemetery and the mortuary yesterday because I thought I had spinal metastasis.
That was just a coincidence. I already had made the appointments to do some pre-arrangements...I did "lose" my wedding rings and diamond earrings while I was in the hospital...so when the insurance payment came I decided to prepay some "necessary items."
Now I have a "plop" (as Sydney calls it) right next to Francis in Mt. Olivet cemetery. Sydney wanted an elk or a horse on the stone...I choose cat tails. He'll have to wait for his own party. When we went to the mortuary, he began choosing songs! One of them was "will you miss me when I'm gone"???? yuk.....
Here is a joke that the guy at the grave place told us. He is 83....
There was a drunk who was walking home and he passed through the grave yard where there was an open grave dug for services the next day. The drunk fell in and was unable to get out. Soon another drunk was walking home through the grave yard and he heard the first guy yelling......He went to the hole and the guy asked him to help him because he was freezing down there....the second drunk asked him why he kicked all the dirt off.
I was looking at a holy card somebody gave me...It is a picture of Jesus...dressed in pink and blue and white shimmery gown...nice long curly hair....and I'm thinking..
I don't want Jesus to look like that.....he was a fisherman...dressed in sack cloth and sandals and probably had dread locks.....He looks gay in the picture I got. What the hell!
So, this morning I was up before 6am. The steroids are kicking in. I went to the flower farm yesterday and bought squash, several kinds, beans, geraniums etc. and hope to do some planting this weekend. I am only good for about 30 minutes of activity and then I need to sit down and regroup, but there is some energy coming back.

fears

Cancer is such a scary word and such a scary place to live. I try not to live there. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997 I just heard "you are going to die." Well I was, but not just then...maybe later....maybe this time....maybe not?
The other day when I was making an appointment for my MRI and CT to see what is going on inside of me the clerk said on the phone, brain and spinal cord....then she added metastasis. WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? I thought to myself then chose to ignore it, but it kept coming back...."do they think it is in my spinal column, do they think it will go to the spinal column and does that mean I could be paralyzed later? Or did the clerk just mean they were checking all over for any metastasis? So I decided to give voice to this latest fear because I find that sayng things out loud diminishes their power......
Anyway, I have a problem with living in the cancer zone. I know people who had breast cancer when I did and are still going to support groups and running in races. That is OK for them.....for me I would rather go to a book club. I have refused to look at any of the cancer coping magazines, the Internet, etc. because I don't want that to be the focus point of the rest of my life...However, it is pretty hard to ignore at times...I just would rather be identified some other way then the old lady who is fighting cancer.

Now here is a question. My oldest son wants to have a fund raiser for me because we of course are facing big medical bills and every time I go to a doctor the co-pay is $40 and we are living on social security and fixed income. He thinks he should bring in the Camp Francis people, kids now grown and volunteers to give them a chance to thank me for that project. I don't like the idea of the attention and certainly being a recipient of money....on the other hand, there is no burial or life insurance. Tacky Huh?

Just a bitch

well, I think I might have done the right thing about the nausea. This morning I thought, "ok, I'll eat some food before I take my medications...the cheerios came up! So when I went to the Dr. for lab work today I told him I've been from the bed to the recliner and back to bed for two weeks (lost 2 pds). He put me back on steriods and boy was that alright with me. Already this afternoon I feel a better. I go next tuesday for mri and ct to see what is next......then to the dr. on the 22 for the report. So unless something major happens I'll be quiet on the blog...unless I have some deep spiritual discussion to share with all of you.

the nauseated bitch

Well, I'm done with the radiation. When I had radiation with my breast cancer, 13 years ago, I worked through the whole six weeks. The only effect I remember was that I was pretty tired. Now my nurse tells me I am older, and that the breast is an external organ and this time they are going into the core of the body so that is why I have felt so bad....yeah...never had morning sickness with six kids! Anyway, she also tells me that the nausea won't go away immediately, but she did give me some compazine to take at home, and this morning I ate two waffles and one eggs so may it will help. Yesterday I had another IV solution of something that made me feel better.
I mean from the bed to the recliner to the couch....for almost two weeks now!
So I have been less than nice....when I joked about grinding up my warfarin and putting in Sydney coffee, the priest though I should go to confession. Well, he don't know Sydney!
When I was on the phone talking with a friend and the American Cancer Society interrupted my phone call to see if I would go door to door in my neighborhood, I wasn't nice!
And when my employer, my RN supervisor called to see if I wanted to renew my CPR certification in July, I asked her if there was self-administered CPR? Poor gal, she is convinced I will live long enough to work another year...she might be right.
My radiologist, who is leaving the clinic in two weeks, said I will recover my strength and live a long time. Well, long is a subjective word I guess, but I like it. My oncologist is also leaving the clinic in Aug. So I might just as well get over this whole thing and get on with life. I think, don't know, but think that Benefis is driving the physicians out of the clinic?
Sydney's brother and and his wife will be here sometime today and I'm sure they will have a lot of complaining to do about our weather. They are traveling from AZ.
I hope I didn't bring this weather on. In March I was feeling like I would not see another winter and I asked God for some more snow....Sorry....I have a direct line to him you know....Well friends, family, and readers...I'm going to enjoy a show where I can wash off all the marks made for the radiation and try to get on with the rest of the spring........

extreme unction

Well, that's what they called it when I was a young Catholic. Now they call it the annointing of the ill or even the elderly, which I guess I am. Anyway the Catholics are coming over in the morning to annoint me so that I will get stronger and heal better.
On the scientific front I had two IVs this week to pep me up, one today so the weekend might be a good one.
I have two more treatments...then I am hoping for remission and getting my energy back so we can travel.
And that is about all I have to say about that.....later

Tumor markers

I'm not sure what tumor markers are, but my numbers at first were 23. and now they are 10. Doc. says that means they getting rid of the current cancer. I have 6 more radiation treatments on the lung...then a full body pic to see if anything is lurking.
I find myself in a kinda surreal state in that what is abnormal has become my normal.
There are times that I forget the inevitable outcome of the situation and then all of the sudden I remember.....I have lung cancer that had already spread! Well Kubler-Ross had stages of grief, I think I am wandering between denial and some anger these days. I know I am tired of making other people feel good. "how are you?"
"O, just fine, I'm almost done with my treatments and I am doing well. How are you"
I could say, "well, how the hell do you think I am?"
Sydney has been leaving me out of some of the daily activities. Like I don't get to choose what kind of flowers, etc. for the yard. I'm pissed off at him for that. I called an attorney today. May sue the state of Montana for providing me with cigarettes when I was in the girls reform school in 1952.. We'll see.

Happy Birthday Francis

Francis would have been 49 years old tomorrow...He died in 1989 but I wrote this poem at a workshop in Boston in 1998.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

The world is afloat in mourning light...?
There is a light in mourning.
That "aha" experience comes to all
But at different times.

You led me through the valley of the shadow,
that I no longer fear.
The mourning light dawned for me in my last years.
The gates of freedom opened wide.

That, my birthday boy, was your gift to me.
Your life and your death are valued.
Through the dew and gossamer of grief
I was able to see clearly.

I would not have found life
Without your death.

Happy Birthday and thank you for this life.



mom

steroid stella

Well,yesterday I got a shot of steroids right in the artery, guess that makes me a mainliner? Anyway, cleaned the bathroom, went to the radiation, dusted all the upstairs walls, no wall washing or painting this spring thought, swiftered anything needing dusting, windexed all glass surfaces, 409 all white surfaces, lemon pledged all wood and cabinets, 409 leather couch, 409 two cloth couches, febreezed the rooms, washed all the throw rugs, took a nap!
The secret is to strike while the steroids are active....
I think the guys are going to do the windows tomorrow if it doesn't rain...big black clouds out there.
blood pressure 102/69...used to be about that when I was a runner. Only thing that runs now are my eyes, nose and bladder......

Another Day

boy, just when you think? Don't!
I have been getting weaker and weaker and blaming it all on the radiation. Also some nausea...
So this morning I could hardly stand upright....had to lay down in between getting dressed.
When I went for my radiation treatment I asked the girls if the doc was around. Not feeling too good. They remarked that I was cold and clammy....turns out my blood pressure was 90/50 so I got to go to the chemo room and had a couple of hours of normal saline dumped into me and some decadron for the nausea. Much better afternoon. Now I remember that my blood pressure was quite low a couple of times while I was in the hospital...so tomorrow I am not taking my TWO blood pressure pills and ask the doc about reducing the amounts.
Thanks to all of you who have emailed your thoughts, wishes, prayers, invitations and other encouragements.

UPDATE - better!

OK, my pro-time is in a therapeutic range.....leg doesn't hurt. Tomorrow is last day for brain radiation. Radiologist says the tumors are dead. Now in a couple of weeks, after the dead stuff has been absorbed, another scan to make sure all is gone, if not the cyberknife.
Oncologist says two more weeks of lung xrays, then scan and if cancer anywhere else no point treating someone who doesn't have cancer. Then check every 6 - 8 weeks to make sure I'm still clean. Sounds to me like a summer vacation coming up.
Son from Oregon does windows and shampoos carpets. 75 degrees today. Sydney in the yard, me on couch for a couple of more weeks. Sure am strapped for energy.
Yesterday lunch with the church ladies and I voiced some of my deepest doubts and my friend started crying because she doesn't want me to go to hell. So I need to stop telling her those kind of things. Today, my four year old grand daughter said, out of the blue, that "God has a special son, his name is Jesus." Out of the mouth of babes, lest you believe like a child.

Some days are coal

Boy, yesterday was not a good one (till the end). I was nauseated and could hardly stand up...Spent day on the couch dozing, but too sick to really sleep. I thought it might beside effects, but today I think I must have picked up a virus because I have had diarrhea and yesterday I had three blankets piled on me while everyone else was running around in shorts.
Anyway,today is much better again.
But that's just part of the news. Pascha was cooking this big meal last night when Sydney got a call from a friend of ours to come and help him out cause his car broke down. So I am in the living room pulling the drapes down when someone touches my back and says, "Hi Mom." My oldest son, from Oregon! What a nice way to end crappy day! He will be here for awhile. Today we drove around and looked at places he had lived before we left Montana in 1963.

One More Old Poem

Written in 1994

Christmas Carol Chronicles

"Joy came to the world of the elderly pair.
The Cherub gave reason for the season that year.
Frosted windows with star flags for the men "over there"
In search of the good will and to all the earth peace.

Postwar winter wonderlands of frosted snowmen
brought skaters to ponds and sleds to the hills.
"Merry Christmas we wish" sand the toothless first grade
and war weary soldiers made plows of their swords.

Dreams of "White Christmas" just like the ones
were replaced by fake tress ...(On tables they sat),
With glass candles that bubbled, forever it seemed.
now interrupted by neons that flashed. Mother had died.

Hail Marys and Our Fathers kept the anger away
with uniformed siblings she knelt at the stable,
while Elks, Easgles and Knights, who had traveled so far,
brought tiding of joy to the inn with a room.

Away in the manager, no place for their heads
the littlest angels slept all in a row
and ..harking and hearlding...the heavenly hosts
from realms of glory kept the night silent

Turned corners, called Christmas in the pages of life.
Post lessons and memories to the day of all days
with choices of bubbles or neons that that lie or
stars above cradles in the holy night sky.


I promise, this is the last of the old poetry.

Some Old Poems

1990
When I was commuting to Portland, working on my Master's degree I was struggling with guilt about not being home where a woman belongs, etc. I wrote this:

THE FAMILY PLAN

Ignorinig the eccelastical wisdom, she stiched about purposes and seasons.
She shuttled on Amtrak between the then and the now.
Out of Sync with her estrogen peers, she grasped at the brass ring of academia
and her children, in frames, lined up on her desk.

She justified letters in place of hugs, with Nikes and braces, but
late trains, the minds "down time" brought unbeckoned guilt and
she wished for the black and white truths of the fifties.

A one way ticket home to middle America via the retorical offerings of the campus library, brought her back to the needle with the threads waiting to spell:
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord"
In 1944...the war was on and bubble gum was hard to come by...it was during the Christmas program when we heard the little store on the corner had received the shipment.

1944 Emerson, Trumn, Pearl Harbor and Double Bubble.
Mary and Joseph ran from the scene. Beached toweled shepards and crowned wisemen parachuted from playground swings.
Past "Christmas at Kranz" to que-gue up at the store.
Loafers with pennies were stripped of their trim and the comics from "fleers" littered the snow as the cast returned to their places.
"Hark Angles" and "O come yees" were peppered with pink pops.
War brought shortages of nylons, and gum and big brothers.
In 1947 my mother was dying. We lived in a one room hotel in the skidrow district. I spent time on the streets and discovered the Salvation Army...

1947
Hey Kid! Get in line You can't just walk right in You need a number.
The Salvation Soldier offered his and and she walked at his side to a table up front.

The house had been sold, the dog put away, They lived at the Brent.
No car to drive to see the Smelter Hill lights.
The Mother lay dying.

The party went on in the house of Minniapolis below.
Hot lunches at Largent were the meal of the day
And across the street the Army gave baskets away.

"I don't have a number mister soldier>"
"It ain't heavy..I can carry it."
"I've not far to go."

From Croxford's....to Highland... to St. Thomas.

She joined the blue sea of jumpered carolers who sang to the void.

In 1955, after Gardner was born Carol learned she could get welfare...it was Christmas time and she spent the entire check on presents and decorations.

1955

A court house of stone and a cold female face.
At the end of the line, the child and her baby, a family of two.
Christmas would come now. The welfare check came through.
Blue Christmas with Elvis was traded for White with a Crosby
and the Public Drugstore stayed open that Sunday.
The "Dole" bought the lights and the wrappings for toys.
Her Blue Friends at the Army filled a basket for them,
her and her boy.

1956
The line at the court house for license was brief.
In a Chapel at Malmstrom , yellow bands were exchanged.
After time at the Yellowstone place, all alone,
they picked up the boy, and the girl and
a boy, and a girl and a boy.
Columbus and Deaconess filled the fireplace with
stockings and beds full of sugar plum dreams.
She hummed in the dark by the tree
A processional song..."O come all ye faithful"

She took her place in the line.

Halloween 1993



They shuffle right through the brittle leaf memories...
The remnents of summer can't stop them...
They come from the autumn.

TRICK OR TREAT

twisting and turning down lanes without dates
batmans and witches and princesses play
in her heart where it is summer.

TRICK OR TREAT

Other pumpkins grin lifeless on silver moon nights.
Summers...autumns...with no natural end
abruptly stopped futures...no harvest

TRICK OR TREAT

Posterity lays under modly leaves
in boxes coverd with hard clay
the frost is on the pumpkin

TRICK.